Delete

Sorry to everyone who read my purging of indiscretions a few posts ago.  I notice that I do self-therapy by writing (publicly) and/or talking about things, that might be better said in a therapy office behind closed doors.  No big deal to out myself in all kinds of ways- maybe just unflattering, but when I am outing other people through the filter of my own opinions and experiences of them, it is not so cool.  Sorry to my loved ones (in this case , my most recent partner, and my mom and her husband)  I love you all three, and am sad if any gossip by my blogging went where it shouldn't have.  If I don't get a handle on this crap, I'll just delete the whole darn blog, but for now, I have deleted the offending posts.

A call from Peru on Yule

We have been having fun with our new web cam, a Yule gift to ourselves.  It takes weird pics, too, that look all computer glowy.

And yesterday, we took videos of opening gifts with it. 
As if Yule isn't the most wonderful day in and of itself, I had the luck to receive a call from Peru right when we were almost finished exchanging gifts.  It was my two elder children, calling to wish me a happy Yule, from where they are, off on their great adventure with their Dad.  Reya was so cute in her fancy holiday dress, talking to her beloved brothers on the telephone!

Here is my first ever you tube video, commemorating the event! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S1EKShKR1A

Small boy model

I am just appreciating the beauty of my infant boy.  I can't stop falling in love with his little sweet self over and over, every moment of every day.  Five months is so the cutest age.

The Season

We stayed in bed until 10:30 AM.  It was unusual and welcome to take a slow start.  We had a brunch of eggs and toast, and the children were very cheerful. 

I love days like this!  Today it rained a lot, but we managed to get out when the clouds were taking a break.  We found a marshy place to puddle stomp, which Reya loved until she got too wet for comfort. 

It was fun while it lasted, but then she felt grumpy, and also didn't appreciate some thorny plants that were sticking up out of the ground and catching on her fleece pants.  That's when it was time to go home and do something warm and dry.

It just occurred to me today that Yule is this coming Monday.  I am basically prepared, but just wasn't keeping track of the date.  It seems that time wouldn't fly like this if I was still a kid.  Being an adult is weird that way.

We  have been doing our advent ritual each day.  I let Reya light a candle for the kingdoms of nature, week by week. 

We are on week three, and by next week, we will be lighting all four candles.  As we light them, we say our verse, and Reya listens with remarkable attention.

The first light of Advent

It is the light of stones.

Stones that live in seashells,

Crystals and in bones.

The second light of Advent

It is the light of plants.

Plants that reach up to the sun,

And in the breezes dance.

The third light of Advent

It is the light of beasts.

The light of hope that we may see,

In greatest and in least.

The fourth light of Advent

It is the light of man.

The light of love, the light of thought,

To give and understand.

We also made a wreath for our front door area.  I hope that it gives a smile to our neighbors and visitors!  

Today Reya helped me add a little snowman ornament to the center of it- a touch of childish whimsy.

We have been stringing popcorn and cranberries for our yule tree.  Reya loved eating both the corn and the sour, raw berries. 

She helped string a little, too, but she was very concerned that I was going to put too many on the string and not leave her enough to snack on.  

I was so lucky to have seen an ad on craigslist advertising free table top trees, and when my Mom was in town, she took me pretty far across town to go pick one out.  I would not have been able to afford a tree this year otherwise.  My preference is to buy a live one in a pot, and use it each year as it grows, eventually planting it out of doors.  That takes money that I do not have this year, so the free tree was a sweet blessing.  I found a stand for $1 at Goodwill, and cheap, blue lights as well.  We decorated it this evening, and Reya was so happy about it.  She really enjoyed unwrapping each ornament from it's protective paper, and finding a place on a branch to hang it. 

I think this is more exciting than presents would ever be.  She did a really great job with the decorations.  She was very gentle and careful with the delicate ones, and hung them really well.  I did the high places.

I love our ornaments.  Some have been hand made by my children or my Nana, and others have been gifts.  I have a tradition of gifting my children each a specially chosen ornament each year.  They may take them to their own homes one day when they are adults, and have their own collection if they wish.  I hope they love that idea, but who knows?  I am sure my Mother never expected me to celebrate what I do?  A Mother can never get to caught up in expectation with her kids.  That reminds me of a song based on a writing by Kahlil someone or other...can't remember how to spell the last name, but it goes like this:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.

They come through you but they are not from you.

They are with you , but belong not to you.

You can give them your love but not your thoughts.

They have their own thoughts.

You can house their bodies but not their souls.

For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow,

Which you can not visit not even in your dreams.

You can long to be like them,

But you can not make them just like you.

A Quote

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live with them.  and the point is, to live everything.  live the questions now.  perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...

-rainer maria rilke

Dusk on the Fern Ridge Trail

This afternoon I decided to go out with the children, despite many rumors of black ice, frigid temperatures and freezing rain.  We were sick of the house, have had company for more than two weeks (don't even get me started on that one right now- it's a whole blog post of it's own), needed some space and hadn't yet done our yearly ritual of gathering greens for an Advent Wreath on our home nature table.  Usually I start the nature-based advent rituals in the beginning of December, but since we just unpacked enough to get the nature table out from under some boxes and put in it's official spot, today was the day.

I got the babies ridiculously bundled for the Chariot ride, and then stepped out to find out that as usual, my fellow Oregonians are completely over-reacting, because I found the weather to be mild and pleasant, in a wintery and nippy kind of way.  There was minimal ice to slip on, no precipitation and a lovely thick mist in the air.  A very small portion of the canal had some floating ice (okay weather eggageraters, I'll give you that!). We had a really nice time picking out greens to clip.  I would point and Reya would help me choose before I cut each piece.  She especially likes the plants with little red berries, like Holly and Laurel.  She was completely into the process, and Galen appeared to be watching in silent wonderment and content.  It is so awesome to be back in a lush environment where so many different trees are all around, and thriving in health.

Along the tree-snipping adventure, we had the pleasure of viewing several animals enjoying the early dusk.  It was really hard to photograph them, because the camera was hard to hold perfectly still while the shutter moved slowly enough for the dim light out, which is why the pictures are both dark and blurry, but I wanted to put them up here, anyway.  This is the first Nutria that we have gotten this close to.  A lot of people think they are unpleasant creatures, but this evening I found my self drawn to them, as they went about their business, eating the tall grass along side the canal, and slipping away into their holes when they felt uncomfortable with our eyes on them.

I saw one young one, alongside what I guessed to be it's mother.  Very sweet.

Many ducks were sitting together in remarkable stillness along the bank, as well.  I wonder if they were nestling down to keep warm?

In the dimming evening, my babies both nodded off to dreamland.  The lovely, moist air and silence floated blissfully around me.  I walked moderately, savoring the space,  energized by my own movements, and let tensions slip away as I settled into a rare enjoyment of solitude.  I heard a rustle, and drew in my breath in delight when I realized that it wasn't more nutria, but a pair of young raccoons peeking curiously from the underbrush.  We watched each other in fascination, and I attempted a few photos, but it was far too dark, and all I got were some glowing eyes in a midnight background (not worth posting).  I walked for another hour, into the deepening night, up hills, down slopes and into my wandering mind.

Nuzzled

The other night I lay with my arm around my little Reya at bedtime.  She had had such an emotionally tumultuous day, and I wondered if I had even managed to fully express my love and affection to her, amidst managing her repeated fits and attempting to follow through on appropriate, consistent consequences.  Then, unexpectedly, like a little blessing, she climbed atop me, nuzzled her face into my neck, and declared in a passionate almost whisper, with the higher pitch of being two, "I so happy with you, Mama.  I very happy!".  The joy swelled in my heart, as I felt the love that one may only know in motherhood.