We're Here!

I made it through the long night,
Dawn is breaking-
I made it through.

Here I am. I am in lovely, wet, green, mossy Eugene, Oregon with my two babies, and my two big boys will arrive in January after their long adventure in South America. I worked so hard to get to this point. Fundraising, planning, packing... I did it, and made it to a beautiful place, minus one boyfriend/father of little children that I made a point to leave. Now I must find a way to sustain us.

I find that I am terrified. I have been terrified since I stepped on the airplane that Samhain/Halloween evening, and became more so when I walked inside of my new, Oregon apartment the next afternoon, with my sister and her husband. I am afraid now, because I didn't have time to think about it in all the hustle and bustle of making the move happen. Now it hits me with gusto. I planned carefully, assuming that the college financial aid package would be enough to live off of, if I found a low priced rental. So far, the award letter looks insufficient, and I am getting declined for additional alternative loans. I turned in all sorts of requests for adjustments, but have not heard back from the University. Will there be money for rent in January and beyond? Will we be okay? I may not breathe fully until I find an answer to that question. Please readers do not be annoyed with the Google ads that I subscribed to on this blog. "Ad Sense" is one of my tiny efforts at generating a little more income. Sorry, really! I hate advertising, too.

SOOOO many friends in Colorado and family from other places gave me support through this move, and it all fell into place beautifully. I have such gratitude for the fact that I made it this far. I know that it was the right thing to do, because where we were was definitely not okay. I am trying so hard to have faith that everything will continue to work out.

Being a single mother is so far the biggest challenge I have ever faced. I frequently think that there is not enough of me for both the toddler and baby. Somehow, we get through each day, and I think the kids are generally pretty happy.

I am not handed anything in life that I cannot manage, right?

Sunday playlist by Ani

Sunday playlist by Ani

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Aahhh

Mexican hot chocolate in Very Vanilla soy milk and a chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie bar, following a late afternoon lunch of a whole wheat, collard green and wild rice quesadilla. That with the clouds and pouring rain outside my open screen door, dramatic thunder, one sleeping baby and the other one on a walk with her Dad, and a good night sleep last night (finally) is making this a nearly perfect Sunday moment.
Soon I will get back to folding the monumental pile of laundry on the couch, but for now I will just breathe (and sip). Plus, I did get the kitchen amazingly clean after last night's artichoke pesto lasagna, a potato pancake breakfast this morning and an apple raspberry crisp (currently baking). Now you all know why the post par tum chubby isn't melting in a hurry.

and yes, I was still pregnant there.

Le Chariot

I have to publicly and profusely thank the friends and family who contributed to the amazing baby gift/ toddler b-day gift which has liberated the life of of one mama who really hates having to drive everywhere, needs fresh air, and wants to get back on the bike! I must recommend the all too expensive Chariot carrier as the nices bike cart/ stroller I have ever encountered. Those Canadians sure know how to design a quality piece of equipment.

On this particular day, R had been quite sick for a while, but we needed to get out of the house and to the park to avoid complete loss of sanity. So I loaded them both up, excited to try out the new infant sling attachment for baby G that had just taken me over an hour to figure out how to install.
At the park, energy was a bit low due to that nasty cold that was still hanging on, so R ended up laying on the ground. Please take note, as this is most unheard of for her. She is usually the on-the-go babe that doesn't stop.
I layed G down for a diaper change and he seemed happy there, too. Don't think though, that she was completely dosile. She had to get fiesty with that foot. One of her favorite buttons to push.

And then adventuring again, she found mushrooms. "look mama":So I was having way too much fun with the camera on that lovely park day when the skies were low with clouds, and the people were far away and not to be seen. My babies were being so sweet.
G was sporting his stylin' activist baby onsie that we got at a recent La Leche League event.
And then, most beautiful of all beautiful things- it rained, just for me:)

Sleeping Babies

Okay, so they weren't down until 10 PM tonight, which is less late than they have been, but later than I would prefer. They did go to sleep together too, instead of taking turns being awake like they often do, and look at the sweetness, hands together, sleeping side by side. They look more alike in their profile, than I had thought until I saw this pic. Just had to share.

Tandem Nursing

My little girl R, just said to me, "need beer, kay?"

Her Dad sometimes lets her have sips when he is drinking a micro brew, which I really don't love. She now begs for it. Should I be worried? She also thinks soda or kombucha tea, or any beverage in a brown bottle is beer. What will people think?- hee hee?

That was just random (yet oddly applicable when on the subject of suckling on addictive fluids), but the main subject of this post is my hesitant decision to cut off the milk. Baby G is now 7 weeks old and we have been tandem nursing. And here, I left off, and did not finish writing this post until a few weeks later, because motherhood for me is ridiculously busy and lacking time to blog.
I had been proud and excited to nurse both together. I thought it was undoubtedly a good idea to nurse R, until she is at least 2, if not 3. E and T nursed until their fourth birthdays. I thought it would deepen the relationship between her and her little brother and give us time to cuddle calmly and sweetly. It was valuable I think to help her be loving toward her little brother. She would often let him lay on top of her while they nursed together, and would even stroke his little head. So sweet. What wasn't sweet, though was her terrible toothy latch that left deep marks near my nipple, her desire to kick him with her foot or lay on him with her heavy body, and least sweet were the horrible fits that she threw day after day, hour after hour, as she BEGGED for nursing way more than I could tolerate. I eventually limited her to suckling just at nap and before bed at night, and then it became begging for "sleepytime" all day long, and when we were out anywhere, she would just cry and whine the whole time to go home and have "sleepytime". I began attending La Leche Leage meetings, and discussing tandem nursing with other moms who do it. I borrowed their book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing". I accessed lots of good advice and kept re-encouraging myself to continue and try to work with her. It was not feeling good, though. I had to realize that my ideal about this was not fitting with this very individual child. It has been a huge lesson every time I realize that there are so many exceptions to every rule of child development with this particular child of mine. Finally, a few days before her second birthday, when G was almost 8 weeks old, I told her with sadness, relief and resolve, "Tomorrow is the last day of nursing. You will nurse tonight at bed, tomorrow at nap, tomorrow night at bed, and then when you wake up in the morning you will be all done, because you are older now, and your teeth are big and hurt my nipples. Your teeth are for food now, and not for nursing anymore. I love you so much, and I will always cuddle you, forever and ever". Oh, the heartbroken crying. Oh, the shrieking and wailing for two more weeks, as I wondered in distress if I had made a mistake and taken something vital away too soon. Then there was a good deal less trauma for the third week. She still asks at least twice a day, but I think we are almost over it, and it has been much less difficult than nursing her was. I may wonder until she is a young adult and able to tell me for sure, whether or not she still REALLY needed it. I do so love that girl.

Starting Over

What a ride the last 9 months of my life have been. I couldn't even tell it all, as it would take longer than I have. All that I can say is that it was full of drama, pregnancy, crisis, relationship breakdown, violence, the closing of my business, instability, medical procedures, financial struggle, moving from a little house I liked to a basement and then to a crappy little low-income duplex, and then, wa-la, my baby was born.His birth was preceded by all of the catalysts that created dramatic change. He is a healer. He is a beautiful, calm soul that has managed to help create gentleness and love in his father, and between all of our family. He stayed in my womb against all odds (I tend to birth prematurely) and came out quickly and sweetly in the comfort of my home (okay- I'm not crazy about the home, but it worked to birth in), full of health and promise! Welcome to my fifth baby, my fourth living child, and my third son! I am in love!
Oh, and thank you to the home birth midwives who took me on in trade, without need for cash, with faith and generousity!

Winter weather in time for Advent!

I must admit that I was enjoying the delayed onset of snow and cold this year. It is just so much easier to get a class full of pre-schoolers outside to play, with minimal outer wear. Well, on Dec 2, just in time for the start of the Advent Season, the snow began. It turned my play-yard into a spectacle of beauty.
That was a rough day. There was something in the air that directed poor communication and ill moods, which threw me into an emotionally disrupted mess. The day began terribly with mystery man, I had miscommunication with my sister, and a care-giver who dropped off and picked up one of my students. Additionally, 3 out of 5 of the children came unprepared for the frigid weather with thin, pointless gloves, inappropriate footwear, and even lack of hats and other snow gear. My plan to play outdoors half of the day was foiled by tears and miserably chilled hands and feet. This was the gateway to further tears and tantrums as the day went on. I was ever so glad when all the mamas took them home for the day. The following week was much improved, so looking back, I realize that there will be bad days. That one was a doozie.

I worked so hard on my advent spiral festival! Several parent volunteers did as well. The event was on Dec. 6. It was beautiful! The spiral was fragrant and gorgeous, adorned with crystals, seashells, holly and green velvet in addition to the juniper and other evergreen branches. My friend Susan played flute and guitar, and helped me sing. Some of the more confident parents also filled in the songs with their voices. My eldest son made the most angelic advent angel, sweetly helping young and old alike to light candles and place their apple lanterns on a gold star along the path. When everyone had a turn, I called to the children to follow me into the story room, where they watched a puppet show about St. Nikolas taming a vicious pine marten. While they were engaged with my story, St. Nikolas secretly stopped in, leaving a gift of a tangerine, a honey stick and a golden nut in their shoes, all tied up in a cloth sack with pretty ribbon. At the end, they left in magical wonder and a spirit of happiness. Seeing their lit up faces made all of the work so worthwhile.

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WE LIGHT ONE CANDLE SHINING CLEAR, ETERNAL LIGHT MAY ENTER HERE. THAT SHINETH IN THE WINTER NIGHT, TO MAKE US CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT.
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Today, the children showed up to school much more equipped for the weather. The parents listened to my rantings from the week before and provided water-proof and insulated mittens, good snow boots, warm hats and coats, wool socks, etc. Yay! We went sledding after preparing and eating our veggie soup and muffins, and they were warm and happy. It was a good day. My little daughter is obsessed with climbing right now. Here she is having climbed up onto the play-school table after we finished cutting our soup veggies. Little rascal- she won't let me stop her, and does it over and over and over again.

Holiday Waldorf Festivites

I have been very, very busy. Ever since the Lilac Moon Play-School re-opened in my home in September, I have stayed up nights cleaning, prepping, baking, etc. It is amazing what it takes to run a Waldorf program in my home two mornings a week. I know I work well over forty hours a week. I am learning that in some ways it is easier to be on a faculty at a large school. I used to share all of the planning and duties for festivals and special events with several other teachers and we had a large parent body to pull from for volunteer help. I am now trying to do all of this myself. I would still rather have my own school and be my own boss any day, but my goodness, it's a lot of work. We had our lantern walk for Martinmas two weeks ago. It went well, but I learned that I did not ask for nearly enough parent help, until two days before the event, when I was about to panic. A few people came through to help, but set-up had no early helpers, and it was SO hard. I worked my 13 year old boy like a slave. He had such a great attitude about the whole thing. He really is a wonderful kid. I am ever so continually thankful for him. He helped me with his bike and bike cart, going back and forth several times, putting over 40 luminaries throughout the Poudre river path in the woods. It was exceptionally windy that afternoon, so lighting the candles in them proved to be a tricky venture, but after so much effort, we had an incredible walk through a magically lit woods, singing under a full moon. The children loved it. I may have loved it even more.
Now we are one week from an even bigger event- the Advent Spiral, which I am combining with St. Nikolas Day. My friend Alisa was over last night until midnight, helping me felt wool story characters. I am also creating a little cottage for St. Nik, out of sticks and a glue gun. It is cute so far, and I am thoroughly enjoying the creation of it. She will help me go up Wrist Canyon next Friday to collect many Evergreen Boughs for the spiral. There is a dizzying amount of work to be done, but I think it will be beautiful!
Back to work I go!
Oh- we finally got a bit (a light dusting very teeny bit) of snow last night. I was wondering if Winter was ever coming to Colorado this year?

Stupa of Dharmakaya

I have lived in this area for more than five years, yet I just finally got around to visiting the Shambhala Mountain Center. I loved it. It is only about an hour away from Fort Collins, where I live, in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. The natural environment there is gorgeous, and we had a delicious and nutritious lunch that they serve to the public each day. After lunch, we hiked up to the Stupa. Just before the Stupa, is this alter, which is very interesting to look at. There are uncountable treasures left by visitors. I left a penny, but next time I will come prepared with a more personal or meaningful item to offer.
On a bench on the way up the steps was a chipmunk. This is the first live chipmunk I have ever seen in real life (that I remember, anyway).

Here we are at the front door (Mystery Man was really good about wearing baby all day long that day).
Upon entering, I was absolutely floored with a sense of peace and wonder, seeing this incredibly gentle and beautiful rendition of the Buddha.
The pictures do not do it justice, as the feeling standing in that space is absolutely transformative.
I wanted to capture a close-up of the mudra(hand expression), as I find it to be particularly special. Oh, and look at the incredible eyes on this statue. When baby saw it she smiled so brightly and said "deeeeee" which means she really, really likes it.




This is the ceiling. I layed down on the meditation cushions and looked up, to take this pic. There are animals all around the outside. They remind me of the animals in the chinese zodiac, but I am not sure if that is what they are.
Here is a more complete shot of the outside as we were leaving,
and from the back, from the hill behind.

'The purpose of the stupa is to promote peace and harmony and compassion in the world. It is a proclamation- a monument to human kindness.'

As we trudged on up the hill, we saw many dear, and then we made our way to the Shinto shrine. We bowed as we went through the gates, and bowed and clapped at the alter, as we read was according to custom. I like what I read about Shinto in Japan. It feels somehow similar to my own pagan spirituality.
So lovely nestled in the woods.