Cracked (in a rut) (or maybe a torture chamber)

I'm a little acorn nice and round.

I live a way down in the ground,

And everyone walks over me.

That is why I'm CRACKED you see.

I'm a nut (click tongue twice). In a rut (click tongue twice) 

 [repeat last line]

Ahem.  I don't know what happened today.  I thought things were nuts yesterday, but at least yesterday, we were outside most of the day, and after all that screaming, my daughter actually took a 30 minute nap.  I feel shell shocked after today  (like my pun?- hee hee :) ) .  I thought, "Well, since walking her to sleep yesterday was so hellish, and she screamed like crazy for an hour even in the stroller, and I need a nap like nothin' else, then I am just going to cut to the chase today, and insist that we all lay down together and sleep."

To start from the beginning...  She started the day crazy.  First thing this morning she woke up with, "No Galen!", and a fist in his face.  All he was doing was wiggling, kicking the air, and cooing, like any happy baby in the morning.  Then I got him on the changing table to deal with the wet, morning diaper, where he was smiling and cooing pleasantly.  Reya stood up on her tip-toes on the bed, bridging her body the 18 inches or so to the edge of the changing table, and sank her teeth into his little forehead.  I caught her and removed her before he cried too hard, letting her know that biting was going to get her in BIG trouble today.  After a breakfast of bear mush porridge and much screaming, because the whole entire pot was designated by her to be for her, with none allotted for her Mama, I actually let her finish my bowl as well, and settled on some Cascadian Farms, Organic, honey nut O's with raw goat milk for my morning meal.   Shortly thereafter, baby fell asleep for a little while, allowing for some individual Reya time, which she grooved on fully, taking out many toys and books, clothing and various other objects and trashing the house most fully in a record amount of time.  I allowed it, and sat and played with her and read to her, sensing that somehow she needed this, today.  After baby awoke, we played more and took pictures of him sitting on the couch, laughed about his big spit-up, and emailed some pictures to Dad with full toddler participation.

Suddenly she bit his little hand, while he was in my arms.  I immediately and wordlessly placed her in a bedroom with the door shut, and saw from the look on her face that she very correctly read the look on my face.  I nursed baby to sleep, as he finished crying, while ignoring her deafening (even through a closed door) screams of "Mama let me out...Mama I peed on the carpet... Mama I be gentle Galen's hand..., and bang bang bang on the door", since I knew Galen needed me more urgently right then.  This was one of the many moments daily, when one adult was not enough for two needy kids.

When he fell asleep, after just a few minutes, I took a deep breath, grabbed a clean-up rag and the bottle of Sri Racha hot sauce, then went to her with great calm. I opened the door, and said in a low, almost whisper, while looking down at the carpet, "is this where you peed?".  "Uh-huh" she she said back quietly.  "Okay, I'm cleaning it up", I said.  Then, pulled her onto my sitting lap, held her tight, kissed her teary face and said quietly, I have hot sauce for your mouth, since your teeth hurt Galen again".  "NOOOO", she cried, as I put a good tablespoon of the hot sauce into her drooly little mouth.  She panted and wiped her tongue against my shirt for maybe ten seconds, then said, "that feels better now- I want more".  She swiped the bottle from me, and sucked on it like a baby bottle of milk.  Is she human?  That much Sri Racha would be hard for me to handle all at once.

Just an hour or so later, she was playing and kissing with her little baby brother, and again, those evil little teeth went right into his upper lip, just under his nose.  I grabbed for some Melinda's habanero sauce this time, not even stopping to comfort baby, and shook a gob of it into her mouth, hissing matter of factly in my I'm-really-close-to-yelling voice, "no more biting- NO MORE!".  This time she actually cried from the heat, but only for a minute, then complained for a while, while I comfort nursed the baby, "I need sweet food ".  I was glad she had to suffer a little over it.

Lunch time came, and we dug into some pinto beans with green onions, cheddar cheese and corn chips, with carrots on the side.  She seemed to enjoy it and get full.  Somehow it had gotten late, and at 3PM I noticed I eye rubbing and yawning.  "Time for that no nonsense, lay-down, family nap", I thought.   Yeah right.  We lay in the dim room, blinds drawn until the sun went down- probably an hour and 45 minutes, with her screaming, kicking, climbing all over me, pushing painfully into me with elbows, chin, knees feet, forehead, you name it.  Eventually she began yelling about me not holding her there (I had her in a firm embrace), and letting her "do the nap myself".  Galen, who had cooperatively fallen asleep during the first two minutes of laying down, was awake and done napping.  He wanted to get up and was being vocal about it.  I told Reya I'd let her do it herself, and I'd be in the other room with Galen.  She was whining for a snack, so I let her eat a banana in bed, then left her there to "do it herself".  More screaming and door pounding.  25 minutes of it, to be exact.  She was hysterical and almost hyperventilating, when I decided to go back in, and told her,"hey- don't be so upset.  You're not on a time out.  You just need a sleep.  Please lay in bed."  "La-a-a-ay with me", she sobbed, in that hiccuping way that one talks when they have been crying way too hard.  This made me feel sympathetic.  "Okay", I said, lets try it again, together.  By now, baby was ready for another cat-nap, so he promptly fell asleep, while I offered a lullabye to Reya (for about the 9'th time that nap attempt period).  "Sing Belle Mama", she ordered, not very politely.  I did.  Halfway through, "No Belle Mama".  "Lets just be quiet now", I suggested.  Then the little bugger actually ordered me out of the room, with more of that do-it-myself nap bologne.  Now I was really irritated.  Baby woke up and wanted to nurse more, so I told her that I wasn't going anywhere, because I was nursing.  She began whining, "I'm peeing.  I need to go on the potty.  My diaper needs changed right NOW!"  I disrupted baby's nursing session to attend to this potty emergency, and then we were all starving, so I said it was time for dinner, and then a bath, and then back to bed.  Of course, I hadn't had time to cook a darn thing, so we had a comfort food meal of popcorn and mochi, because it was easy and I needed it, after all of that.  She loved that, and was happy for a while, spilling popcorn all over the kitchen floor.  She had another little (in comparison) fit about not wanting a bath, then ended up having fun, completely tearing apart my bath mitt, while I was off changing a diaper.  After we cleaned up all the particles of mitt from the tub with background noises of baby cries, she resisted her diaper with final efforts, tried to turn on the light a few times after I turned it off, and cried another 10 minutes.  She then actually said, "I love you", as she elbowed and kneed me, laying atop my body, and nuzzled into my neck.  I went off to blog off some steam, and wind down, and would you believe, she has woken up fitfully one more time, to have me lay down with her while I was typing this?   That is why it has taken me a looong time to tell this story.  But you can't tell that, since it is posted when it's posted.  Big exhale.

This is why I stay up too late, a lot.  It's the only time I am not getting all touched out by kids, and it is so perfectly quiet, which I need, and I have to do something like unpack or clean the kitchen, sometimes, which I did not prioritize over blog-venting tonight!

Dumpster Diving

Having left Fort Collins, I was lamenting the end of a dumpster-diving relationship.  A bit of irony in that statement?!  No, really, what I mean is that dumpster diving has literally been a common point of interest between my ex-partner and I.  Since I was big and pregnant, and then more recently, caring for a newborn, I ended up depending heavily upon him, to go out and find us what we needed.  He would go to the big, corporate health food store late at night, and bring us back loads of perfectly wonderful foods that never should have been thrown away in the first place (hello?  food bank donations?).  Once we got more than 15 separately packaged slices of gourmet cake, like tiramiso, chocolate mouse, carrot, and more.  Another time we got somewhere near twenty pounds of different kinds of nuts, nut butters and nut mixes.  Still another night, we got a huge bag full of fresh mozerella cheese balls.  We ate pizza, lasagna, slices with tomatoes and basil, eggplant-pesto-cheese sandwiches, and other creative meals out of it for literally a couple of months, and they never went bad on us.  I got a perfectly great mop, broom, masses of fashionable clothing, and much, much more, by going down alleys with the aforementioned guy, and checking dumpsters, or just going through free piles on the side of the road.
Many a time, through my recent move, I have thought sadly, what a shame, to let those good times go.  It is not like I can rummage dumpsters as easily, alone, with a baby in arms, followed by a two year old.  But alas, I am pleased to announce todays findings, conveniently placed alongside the dumpster in (who knew?) my own complex of condominiums.

One dirty but very cleanable, adjustable, leather, rolling desk chair, which I really need for the computer desk that I have confidence that I will soon find.  My rear is on this chair as I type right now!

One dirty, but very cleanable, fully functional toaster that I had been wishing for, complete with adjustable settings, and wide slots for bagels and more.

One bike pump (haven't tested it yet, but am hoping it works) that I REALLY need, since I rely completely on biking and strolling for my transportation.

I also got a pair of shorts, a wooden lamp that needs a shade, and a partial bag of Organic potting soil (which was on my need list).

Dumpster diving is admittedly not as fun without my old partner in crime, but I am still happy to have had the opportunity, and am grateful for the much needed stuff.  Yay!

The quest for child sleep

It takes no less than an hour every night to get my little child-genious to sleep.  She is so intense, and so intelligent, and so busy, and so demanding, and so cute!  Additionally, she tries to never nap.  If it happens, it is only after a looong (usually screaming) walk in the stroller, or once in a while a car drive, and then she abruptly wakes up, often in an emotional fit.  Wow, I do feel spent at the end of a day and night with her.  Her thing right now, especially when she is tired, is biting her baby brother.  Often on his sweet little toes, yesterday on his ankle, and this evening on his soft little belly.  He screamed in pain for at least 5 minutes, and was left with raised marks of upper and lover teeth.  It makes me so darn mad.  I told her I'd put spicy hot sauce in her mouth next time she used it to hurt someone, but that was a dumb idea, because my little devil loves spicy food, and went instantly into the kitchen, opened the fridge and said, annoyingly, "okay, Mama, give me 'picy sauce".  Ugh, what am I going to do to stop this terrible behaviour?  I am SO open to ideas right now.  Now, to redeem her, I must say, she makes me smile a lot.  Yesterday, she piped up with, "Mama, I have bright eyes!"  "Yes, you sure do", I told her, because she does.  She also frequently wraps her arms around her chest, stating, "I hug Reya", and runs her hand over her head, saying, "I pet Reya".  I'm so glad she loves herself, and I am so glad she is so smart.  I have no idea how to help her be gentle and peaceful.  Is my example enough, here?

Making Progress

Today I feel a lot better about the money concern. I went to the financial aid office at the University of Oregon, and spoke to a real live person, with tears in my eyes and an infant in my arms(how's that for seeming desperate), about the reality of my financial aid package, and what it will take to make next semester happen for me, and keep the rent paid.

Here's the deal. I have "non-resident" status, since I spent the last several years in Colorado. Apparently most typical out-of -state students are dependent upon their parents, who are taking out parent loans to pay for their expensive tuition. I am a non-traditional student, being a 36 year old, single mom of four, and being an atypical non-resident makes me completely out of luck for attending UO this January, since the financial aid offer including loans and grants was just over $10,000.00, and my tuition would be over $15,000.00. I had been planning to pay rent off of the non-existent refund that I thought I was going to get above the costs of tuition. That was clearly not going to happen.

That is the part of the conversation with the financial aid officer when the tears that were welled up in my eyes began to roll down my cheeks, as I held my little 4 month old baby and told her that we just moved here to leave a guy that wasn't good to be living with, and that school was my one and only way out. I NEED more loan money to go to school and keep a roof over our head. "Is there anything I can do?" That is when dual enrollment with Lane Community College came up. I started to breathe deeply for the first time in months, when I learned about the workability of this arrangement. Simple:

1)Fill out free dual enrollment application, which allows me to take classes at either UO or Lane Community College, or a combination of both, while all earned credits instantaneously transfer toward my degree program at UO.
2)Collect my same financial aid offer from UO while paying a greatly reduced tuition rate for my community college classes, freeing up more of the aid award for necessities like rent and utilities.
3)Take no more than 6-8 credits each term, so that I am working toward becoming an in-state resident at UO after 12 months.
4)The community college will likely grant me in-state residency in only 90 days, because their policy is far less stringent, which makes my 2'nd quarter of school and beyond, even less expensive!
5)Yay! This is going to work! I just filled out my online community college application, and am waiting for an email acceptance in the next few days. I just have to adjust my FAFSA to include that school, get transcripts sent to them, and then get registered for classes. I can take them online, as I was planning to do with UO. After my 12 months, I should be able to take classes back at UO with in-state tuition. (Note- it may not be this simple with all the residency stuff. I still have to read the whole informational packet. I must prove that I am here for other reasons than school, and file taxes in Oregon, showing income, or some other proof that I am a contributing member of the local society.)

My mom and her questionably sane husband were here today to help me, and they were actually super-helpful! They took me to deal with all this money and educational stuff, and entertained my two year old while baby and I talked to the people in the financial aid office. What a help. It is almost impossible to do anything with my toddler. She is deceptively beautiful while being extremely active and generally uncooperative and tantrum-prone. I was able to go grocery shopping on the way home, with Mom and Keith entertaining her in a separate shopping cart as well. Any mama who tries grocery shopping with a head-strong toddler and baby, alone, can tell you that it is a most unpleasant and sometimes nearly impossible feat. At the least, there are always loud and embarrassing moments when attention gets drawn to our drama as we make our way through the store. It is this undeniable fact, that made both the University errand and the shopping trip an absolute dream for me, with the help of Mom. Oh my. I never want to do it again without help. Then, on Mom's way out of town toward her home, about an hour from here, she took away the big, green sleeper sofa that was being elephant-like in my tiny living room. It had been so cramped in this here place of mine, that my organization and space seeking brain was having trouble functioning on any level of efficiency. I was feeling borderline crazy and severely annoyed. Magically, with the removal of the large sofa, this place feels, well, pleasant... almost spacious, which is saying a lot for an approximately 600 square foot condo. Hallelujia!!

Oh, and so as not to offend any inanimate objects, thank you, green, sleeper sofa, for holding my rear in sit, and for being a place for I, two small children, and one beautiful and fluffy cat to rest and slumber for the one and a half weeks that I was without any other piece of furniture in my new abode. Pic of baby laying on very comfy, green sofa( poor guy- his pesky sister adorned him with antennae)
You were very useful and comfortable, sleeper sofa. I appreciate your patience as you sat tight, way to close to the heater, because there was simply nowhere else to fit you, and resisted combustion. May you find another home that spaciously invites you.Pic of sleeper sofa shoved up against wall where heater is. Innocent children play with no awareness of fire hazard just feet away!

We're Here!

I made it through the long night,
Dawn is breaking-
I made it through.

Here I am. I am in lovely, wet, green, mossy Eugene, Oregon with my two babies, and my two big boys will arrive in January after their long adventure in South America. I worked so hard to get to this point. Fundraising, planning, packing... I did it, and made it to a beautiful place, minus one boyfriend/father of little children that I made a point to leave. Now I must find a way to sustain us.

I find that I am terrified. I have been terrified since I stepped on the airplane that Samhain/Halloween evening, and became more so when I walked inside of my new, Oregon apartment the next afternoon, with my sister and her husband. I am afraid now, because I didn't have time to think about it in all the hustle and bustle of making the move happen. Now it hits me with gusto. I planned carefully, assuming that the college financial aid package would be enough to live off of, if I found a low priced rental. So far, the award letter looks insufficient, and I am getting declined for additional alternative loans. I turned in all sorts of requests for adjustments, but have not heard back from the University. Will there be money for rent in January and beyond? Will we be okay? I may not breathe fully until I find an answer to that question. Please readers do not be annoyed with the Google ads that I subscribed to on this blog. "Ad Sense" is one of my tiny efforts at generating a little more income. Sorry, really! I hate advertising, too.

SOOOO many friends in Colorado and family from other places gave me support through this move, and it all fell into place beautifully. I have such gratitude for the fact that I made it this far. I know that it was the right thing to do, because where we were was definitely not okay. I am trying so hard to have faith that everything will continue to work out.

Being a single mother is so far the biggest challenge I have ever faced. I frequently think that there is not enough of me for both the toddler and baby. Somehow, we get through each day, and I think the kids are generally pretty happy.

I am not handed anything in life that I cannot manage, right?

Sunday playlist by Ani

Sunday playlist by Ani

Shared via AddThis

Aahhh

Mexican hot chocolate in Very Vanilla soy milk and a chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie bar, following a late afternoon lunch of a whole wheat, collard green and wild rice quesadilla. That with the clouds and pouring rain outside my open screen door, dramatic thunder, one sleeping baby and the other one on a walk with her Dad, and a good night sleep last night (finally) is making this a nearly perfect Sunday moment.
Soon I will get back to folding the monumental pile of laundry on the couch, but for now I will just breathe (and sip). Plus, I did get the kitchen amazingly clean after last night's artichoke pesto lasagna, a potato pancake breakfast this morning and an apple raspberry crisp (currently baking). Now you all know why the post par tum chubby isn't melting in a hurry.

and yes, I was still pregnant there.

Le Chariot

I have to publicly and profusely thank the friends and family who contributed to the amazing baby gift/ toddler b-day gift which has liberated the life of of one mama who really hates having to drive everywhere, needs fresh air, and wants to get back on the bike! I must recommend the all too expensive Chariot carrier as the nices bike cart/ stroller I have ever encountered. Those Canadians sure know how to design a quality piece of equipment.

On this particular day, R had been quite sick for a while, but we needed to get out of the house and to the park to avoid complete loss of sanity. So I loaded them both up, excited to try out the new infant sling attachment for baby G that had just taken me over an hour to figure out how to install.
At the park, energy was a bit low due to that nasty cold that was still hanging on, so R ended up laying on the ground. Please take note, as this is most unheard of for her. She is usually the on-the-go babe that doesn't stop.
I layed G down for a diaper change and he seemed happy there, too. Don't think though, that she was completely dosile. She had to get fiesty with that foot. One of her favorite buttons to push.

And then adventuring again, she found mushrooms. "look mama":So I was having way too much fun with the camera on that lovely park day when the skies were low with clouds, and the people were far away and not to be seen. My babies were being so sweet.
G was sporting his stylin' activist baby onsie that we got at a recent La Leche League event.
And then, most beautiful of all beautiful things- it rained, just for me:)

Sleeping Babies

Okay, so they weren't down until 10 PM tonight, which is less late than they have been, but later than I would prefer. They did go to sleep together too, instead of taking turns being awake like they often do, and look at the sweetness, hands together, sleeping side by side. They look more alike in their profile, than I had thought until I saw this pic. Just had to share.

Tandem Nursing

My little girl R, just said to me, "need beer, kay?"

Her Dad sometimes lets her have sips when he is drinking a micro brew, which I really don't love. She now begs for it. Should I be worried? She also thinks soda or kombucha tea, or any beverage in a brown bottle is beer. What will people think?- hee hee?

That was just random (yet oddly applicable when on the subject of suckling on addictive fluids), but the main subject of this post is my hesitant decision to cut off the milk. Baby G is now 7 weeks old and we have been tandem nursing. And here, I left off, and did not finish writing this post until a few weeks later, because motherhood for me is ridiculously busy and lacking time to blog.
I had been proud and excited to nurse both together. I thought it was undoubtedly a good idea to nurse R, until she is at least 2, if not 3. E and T nursed until their fourth birthdays. I thought it would deepen the relationship between her and her little brother and give us time to cuddle calmly and sweetly. It was valuable I think to help her be loving toward her little brother. She would often let him lay on top of her while they nursed together, and would even stroke his little head. So sweet. What wasn't sweet, though was her terrible toothy latch that left deep marks near my nipple, her desire to kick him with her foot or lay on him with her heavy body, and least sweet were the horrible fits that she threw day after day, hour after hour, as she BEGGED for nursing way more than I could tolerate. I eventually limited her to suckling just at nap and before bed at night, and then it became begging for "sleepytime" all day long, and when we were out anywhere, she would just cry and whine the whole time to go home and have "sleepytime". I began attending La Leche Leage meetings, and discussing tandem nursing with other moms who do it. I borrowed their book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing". I accessed lots of good advice and kept re-encouraging myself to continue and try to work with her. It was not feeling good, though. I had to realize that my ideal about this was not fitting with this very individual child. It has been a huge lesson every time I realize that there are so many exceptions to every rule of child development with this particular child of mine. Finally, a few days before her second birthday, when G was almost 8 weeks old, I told her with sadness, relief and resolve, "Tomorrow is the last day of nursing. You will nurse tonight at bed, tomorrow at nap, tomorrow night at bed, and then when you wake up in the morning you will be all done, because you are older now, and your teeth are big and hurt my nipples. Your teeth are for food now, and not for nursing anymore. I love you so much, and I will always cuddle you, forever and ever". Oh, the heartbroken crying. Oh, the shrieking and wailing for two more weeks, as I wondered in distress if I had made a mistake and taken something vital away too soon. Then there was a good deal less trauma for the third week. She still asks at least twice a day, but I think we are almost over it, and it has been much less difficult than nursing her was. I may wonder until she is a young adult and able to tell me for sure, whether or not she still REALLY needed it. I do so love that girl.