NO Show, NO Call, NO Fire

What a bizzaro day. I slept like hell last night, partly because I didn't go to bed until 3:30 AM, and partly because baby was restless and I was on edge, knowing I had to be up by 8. As it turns out, I didn't really have to be. I showered, made sure the place looked spiffy, made a pot of tea for my expected guests, and waited while I watered plants, fed the cat and paced. They didn't come. I called when they were almost an hour late, and she said she spaced it and was sorry. Her basement had flooded in the rains a few days ago, and the fixer people had come out to take care of it today. She said she'd call me back this afternoon to reschedule a tour of my preschool and to meet me. She didn't call. It sucks to have cleaned all night for someone who wasn't very seriously interested, or so it seems. Maybe she'll get around to calling me, but I am feeling doubtful.

So, I had the Woolly Mamas over here for the evening instead. We had a really great time. Ivy came, and we were all so glad to see her, because she hasn't been around for a month, due to vacations and various medical emergencies (her son was recently diagnosed with muscular dystrophy- poor little Rain has a huge struggle ahead of him, and he's such a happy little one year old).

Our potluck dinner was scrumptalicious as usual, because we all love to cook, and are good at it, too. The kids played with great fun, imagination and engagement in my new preschool room, and watching them enjoy the space that I created, gave me unspeakable happiness and fulfillment.

I am supposed to be sitting outside by the fire pit right now. Unfortunately, Mystery Man and his brother canceled the plan to hang out with me at the last minute, in favor of drinking at "Surfside". I had called another guy friend earlier today, and left a message to see if he wanted to come, too. He didn't call back. Therefore, I am burning electricity and typing, instead of burning wood and talking. Lonelier for sure, but hey, I do like to blog. I keep trying not to dwell in feelings of abandonment and neglect. Besides, just a few hours ago, I had a house full of women and children who love me. It seems to be a recurring theme, that whether it be conversation, assistance, company or love, these women will be there for me, and no one else. I have friends.

I just spent 10 minutes searching for my missing camera case, which contains the cable to upload pics. I wanted to show a pic of Mystery Man's cousin, lying fallen on the ground drunk by the fire a few days ago. No camera case, no cable, but in my search I grasped onto a bit of clarity. I asked myself, why was I wishing I was by the fire with a couple of drunk men? Boys? Men? Boys. I need not choose to be in this particular version of my life so fully. Glad all of a sudden, to be alone drinking raspberry juice mixed with lemonade, and dipping bread into garlic-basil olive oil. Ahhh.
Now it is time for much needed sleep.

sandwich rock

While we were hiking yesterday, we crossed some water (several times, actually), stepping over rocks. When I stepped on this one, I looked down and laughed aloud. Karuna, my friend Wind's 10 year old daughter, said, "it's a sandwich!" "oh my God, I said, it totally is." I didn't have my camera with me, so I had Kristianne take a picture of it and email it to me, so I could post it here. Can't you just picture a big, hairy forest monster that eats grass and leaves, acidentally dropping this half a sandwich in the water? It is cut the diagonal way, from corner to corner so it is triangular, of course. Yum, munch, munch, munch. The hungry monster is looking for his lunch.

Why am I blogging at 1:56 AM? Because I have been cleaning my house since 10:30 PM, and I'm sick and tired of it, but I can't officially stop for the night, because I have a mom of two kids (potential students) coming to meet me and view the Lilac Moon Playschool at 9 AM. I must have it looking clean and cute, since I am a detailed perfectionist who can't keep on top of her shit, to get things done before the last minute. Actually, I might be more efficient if I wasn't chasing a walking, 11 1/2 month old, mess machine all day. Not to complain, since she is one of the great joys of every second of my life.

hiking, friends and food

This day started out rough. I don't know what it is about some days, but today was one of them that just wouldn't flow. Everything I tried to communicate to Mystery Man got all mangled and misunderstood, and we couldn't get along. Everything I tried to do got messed up or interrupted. I got WAY too many phone calls in the middle of everything, like when I was naked in a towel, just out of the shower, holding a crying baby and trying to say something important to Mystery Man before he motored away in a truck with his brother, the phone rang about some in depth stuff, and when I was trying to pack a lunch to go on a picnic and friends were on the way to get me, more phone calls, and when I was trying to dress a crying baby, more phone calls, etc., etc .
I had a nice day with my friends Wind and Kristianne, and our herd of kids, though, hiking up the canyon, picnicking, and then eating at Ras-ka for dinner. Yum. I am not quite out of my frustrated mood, and am completely overwhelmed with responsibility right now, but at least I can say that I had a good chunk of great friends time in nature today. Again, as I have said so many times before, I couldn't do it without my sistas!

music, music, music, dancing to music

Two nights in a row now, I have had the amazing privilege of dancing to great live music in the street. Right now, Fort Collins is having our festival called New West Fest, and every night there are outdoor concerts (the series is called Bohemian Nights). Yesterday was pouring rain all day for the second day in a row, and I was in heaven. I spent the morning at my friend Alisa's house cooking breakfast with her and her children, with my children, also. mmm..., blueberry pancakes, garlicky potatoes, mate chai, lemonade, raspberry juice.

After breakfast, I caught up with Mystery Man and his parents and extended family who are visiting from Texas, and we went to "Cooper Smith's" to drink, after some good food at "The Thai Pepper". I had a little over half of a stout beer (don't drink much), but the company was fun. We stepped out into Old Town Square afterward, and heard "12 cents for Marvin", a local Ska band. I danced with Mystery Man's mom in the rain. It felt so good! Then we ate again at "Pueblo Viejo"- can't say that their food is my favorite, but it was okay.

Today, I went to a clothing exchange, then saw the wonderful "Tajmahal" play this evening. Baby fell asleep in a pack on my chest to the loud music. It was great, dancing with her dad to the blues. I tried to keep her ears covered with my hands, and I hope there was no damage. I loved being together there, the three of us. What a nice night. There are some people out in my backyard right now, having a fire, so I think I will join them! Goodnight!

heart race

He drove me home like a bat out of hell. Sometimes he gets in this mood, and he drives so fast, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding up on cars ahead of us and getting sooooooooo close, then stopping quickly or dashing into the next lane, running stoplights just as they are about to turn green, or if no one that he can see is coming. Such an uncomfortable ride. So terrifying. He doesn't care if I ask him to slow down. He gets mad that I don't trust him. How can I trust when I see myself rushing toward something and my heart is racing, and I think we might crash and possibly die. My precious child is in her car seat behind me, and I imagine how it must feel to her with her seat leaning this way and that, her head being violently shifted. When he hears me draw in a tense breath or grab onto the handle tightly, when he sees me stiffen and push into the floor in front of me with my feet, he gets angry and he goes faster. He takes corners more recklessly. He makes the car skid and peel. He tears down our quiet neighborhood street, slamming to a stop in front of our house to let me out. I pick up the sleeping baby who is stirring to his pounding music. I know there is no point in asking him to turn it down, because in this mood he might just turn it up instead, and as I barely step out of the car with her, he tears off again, the door swinging shut by his momentum. Terror and trauma. This is not the first time. This is not the 12'th time. Not everyday, but usually every week. I said "how do you think this feels to her" nodding toward our little sleeping daughter. He said it doesn't matter because it is for me.

Divinely Beautiful Day

There is this man that I fell in love with three years ago. I didn't try to- I actually tried not to. It just happened like going insane. I posessed no ability to check myself with logic and reason. I was smitten and desperate. Of course with the intensity that I bring to most everything, this was over the top. I did the epitome of "too much too fast" in my interactions with him, knowing I was ruining it, yet unable to do anything else. I knew I was a curse to him, an older, divorced woman with two children, with a complex life, and fairly demanding in my relationship needs. I should not have been surprised when he quickly became smothered and overwhelmed, dumping me within days, yet I was completely devastated. I badly feigned the ability to take the news with grace, but became an obsessive almost stalker. The almost part means that I didn't actually follow him around, but it took every ounce of discipline that I had not to.
Just in the nick of time, Mystery Man came along to distract me. I began communicating with Mystery Man when we worked together at a health food store, where the above mentioned recipient of my affection worked with us. I was constantly talking (decompressing) to Mystery Man about my predicament- being painfully unable to get over this other guy, feeling obsessed, and the heartbreak, embarrassment and discomfort of it all staring me in the face right in my workplace. Mystery Man listened and tried to offer some advice. Somehow in the midst of this, he and I got closer and ended up together, and it stuck. I think in retrospect, that I became close to Mystery Man as a distraction, sometimes called a rebound relationship. It is complex, because I was so recently divorced, that both could have been considered to be on the rebound. Anyway, I think of the partnership that I am still in today, to be the actual rebound, just because the love that I felt for the other guy really stuck. I have never lost that sense of deep caring for him.
So why this story now? Well, I have done a lot of adjusting my mind set and rethinking my intentions, and have been able to begin to shift the nature of my feelings for this man. We have recently been in contact, and it is such a sweet relief to think of him simply as a loved friend, and to care about him more purely, like I do for my dearest friends. The intensity of my love has not lessened, but the nature of it has definitely changed. I was able to spend time with him today for the first time in a couple of years, and I had the most divine time. We walked to the river and talked. There was very little awkwardness or conflict of feeling and intention. I was able to look at him and feel the mellowness that comes with a comfortable friendship. He seemed more mature. I felt more mature. I haven't had a nicer day in as long as I can remember. Thank you to him for opening to the possibility of seeing me from a different angle. I look forward to knowing him more, now that we have gotten the B.S. out of the way.
Then to top off a beautiful day, I spent the evening with another loved friend who has a one week old baby girl. I brought them dinner, and ended up hanging out unexpectedly for about three hours. She was really craving the social interaction, and after she ate and nursed her baby for a looooong time, we went walking to the CSU flower gardens, and had great fun and conversation. I just loved today. I am so immensely and indescribably thankful for good friends!

Airing Laundry- Clean and Dirty

It is hard to begin when it has been so long- I've been thinking about it for weeks, but overwhelmed as to where to start. My conclusion is to go back to where I was when I stopped, and why I stopped in the first place.
Once upon a time, not so long ago...

It was Spring. The sun was shining and the poppies we[re blooming... All of my friends had stopped using their electric clothes dryer and switched to the glorious sun, except for me. I was feeling guilty, but there was this subtle battle between Mystery Man and I about who should go out and get clothesline at the hardware store to hang outside. He was pestering me to get it done, while relaxing with a book or snacking on chips and salsa, and I kept thinking, "Why me? I'm racing around trying to do everything necessary to run a household, short of providing money. I am BUSY! Why tell me to do it? Just go do it yourself if you are thinking about it three times a day!" I ended up giving in without much fight, and going to get and hang it in the end, which is what I usually do, because someone has to, and arguing and being stubborn tires me out.
The clothesline story is a less violent microcosm of my relationship, my life as his partner, and as the mother of his child. I tried in this blog at the start to keep things neutral, to protect his privacy and say kind things, just in case anyone who knows him might be reading. This is a good idea because I care, but it is also a bad idea, because when things get crazy, then I can't blog. I run into a total block. Who can write with sincerity about the flowers, what they made for dinner, or anything of interest or consequence, when their insides are screaming like demons and no one will dare answer the cries.

Wow, that was so goth of me to write. I could be writing for Bauhaus or something- maybe it's because I have been listening to them a lot again lately.

Anyway, things weren't going well, I felt unsupported, and well, gosh, there are lots of things that I still can't bring myself to say here. So I will just say that I spent a while trying to get out of it. I called friends and family in desperation, looking for an escape for a dependent Mama with a baby, who doesn't want to leave her to earn a living. I got offers for temporary shelter and LOTS of advice (and yelling and criticism from my Dad who gets so stressed and worried that he can't stay calm- I had to stop talking to him about it, since there was nothing constructive that he could do). I was all set up to get rescued by my dear friend in Oregon, and get taken to stay with my sister. I worked things out with my ex-husband to share the boys, a few months here, then a few months there. Then things got crazier.

I got a call from the police that he (the ex) was in jail for a drunken "disturbance" with his girlfriend. I had to go pick up the boys. The drunk thing has been a bit of a problem in the past, so I freaked and decided that I didn't trust him much. I went to court and got a temporary protective order for the kids, and a follow-up court date. The final determination was that I need to stick around and be the watcher- make sure he stays sober and safe with the kids, and report him if not, but he can still have them every other week.

New plan? Clearly no escape to Oregon for the sake of son number 1 and 2, so I cooked up a plan to re-start my pre-school and take care of my damn self (being reliant on anyone but me doesn't seem to work for me), so I could live without Mystery Man. I got busy working at advertising and setting up a more serious and professional school really quickly. He agreed to move out August 1.

Then Mystery Man got really nice all of a sudden. We had weeks and weeks of sweetness and I thought maybe the close call finally did it. Things were going to be okay. So, reversal of the break up plan and much relief- I could now just start the school at my leisure, channeling the initial dollars from it into play furniture, toys, supplies, etc. What a luxury! I proceeded with this, thinking I would need to be independent eventually and I didn't want to keep crying wolf about having a school and risk a flaky rep.

Things aren't very sweet anymore. Sometimes only a sour after taste. Sometimes explosive. Sometimes stinging or bitter. I hate roller coasters.


long silence-

-subject change
(because I feel the need to lighten up now)
oh- I got a new bunny a few months ago. She is the gentlest, nicest, hugest French Lop. Her name is Blackberry. She is recovering from being mal-treated for 3 or 4 years by her previous owner. She was very skinny and sick. She loves to run around in my backyard and eat out of my garden. This is a picture of her first few days here. She now has a big, two story cage built by me. I love her, and so does baby. She calls her Dackdey. My mother used to say:
There was a little girl and she had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,she was very, very good,
and when she was bad she was awful.

My little girl's curl was on the nape of her neck a few months ago when I took this. Now that her hair is longer, they are springing out all over. The poem applies. She just started walking. It is so cute. She is determined to go where she pleases, and if I try to stop her she will SCREAMMM!