Delete

Sorry to everyone who read my purging of indiscretions a few posts ago.  I notice that I do self-therapy by writing (publicly) and/or talking about things, that might be better said in a therapy office behind closed doors.  No big deal to out myself in all kinds of ways- maybe just unflattering, but when I am outing other people through the filter of my own opinions and experiences of them, it is not so cool.  Sorry to my loved ones (in this case , my most recent partner, and my mom and her husband)  I love you all three, and am sad if any gossip by my blogging went where it shouldn't have.  If I don't get a handle on this crap, I'll just delete the whole darn blog, but for now, I have deleted the offending posts.

A call from Peru on Yule

We have been having fun with our new web cam, a Yule gift to ourselves.  It takes weird pics, too, that look all computer glowy.

And yesterday, we took videos of opening gifts with it. 
As if Yule isn't the most wonderful day in and of itself, I had the luck to receive a call from Peru right when we were almost finished exchanging gifts.  It was my two elder children, calling to wish me a happy Yule, from where they are, off on their great adventure with their Dad.  Reya was so cute in her fancy holiday dress, talking to her beloved brothers on the telephone!

Here is my first ever you tube video, commemorating the event! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S1EKShKR1A

Small boy model

I am just appreciating the beauty of my infant boy.  I can't stop falling in love with his little sweet self over and over, every moment of every day.  Five months is so the cutest age.

The Season

We stayed in bed until 10:30 AM.  It was unusual and welcome to take a slow start.  We had a brunch of eggs and toast, and the children were very cheerful. 

I love days like this!  Today it rained a lot, but we managed to get out when the clouds were taking a break.  We found a marshy place to puddle stomp, which Reya loved until she got too wet for comfort. 

It was fun while it lasted, but then she felt grumpy, and also didn't appreciate some thorny plants that were sticking up out of the ground and catching on her fleece pants.  That's when it was time to go home and do something warm and dry.

It just occurred to me today that Yule is this coming Monday.  I am basically prepared, but just wasn't keeping track of the date.  It seems that time wouldn't fly like this if I was still a kid.  Being an adult is weird that way.

We  have been doing our advent ritual each day.  I let Reya light a candle for the kingdoms of nature, week by week. 

We are on week three, and by next week, we will be lighting all four candles.  As we light them, we say our verse, and Reya listens with remarkable attention.

The first light of Advent

It is the light of stones.

Stones that live in seashells,

Crystals and in bones.

The second light of Advent

It is the light of plants.

Plants that reach up to the sun,

And in the breezes dance.

The third light of Advent

It is the light of beasts.

The light of hope that we may see,

In greatest and in least.

The fourth light of Advent

It is the light of man.

The light of love, the light of thought,

To give and understand.

We also made a wreath for our front door area.  I hope that it gives a smile to our neighbors and visitors!  

Today Reya helped me add a little snowman ornament to the center of it- a touch of childish whimsy.

We have been stringing popcorn and cranberries for our yule tree.  Reya loved eating both the corn and the sour, raw berries. 

She helped string a little, too, but she was very concerned that I was going to put too many on the string and not leave her enough to snack on.  

I was so lucky to have seen an ad on craigslist advertising free table top trees, and when my Mom was in town, she took me pretty far across town to go pick one out.  I would not have been able to afford a tree this year otherwise.  My preference is to buy a live one in a pot, and use it each year as it grows, eventually planting it out of doors.  That takes money that I do not have this year, so the free tree was a sweet blessing.  I found a stand for $1 at Goodwill, and cheap, blue lights as well.  We decorated it this evening, and Reya was so happy about it.  She really enjoyed unwrapping each ornament from it's protective paper, and finding a place on a branch to hang it. 

I think this is more exciting than presents would ever be.  She did a really great job with the decorations.  She was very gentle and careful with the delicate ones, and hung them really well.  I did the high places.

I love our ornaments.  Some have been hand made by my children or my Nana, and others have been gifts.  I have a tradition of gifting my children each a specially chosen ornament each year.  They may take them to their own homes one day when they are adults, and have their own collection if they wish.  I hope they love that idea, but who knows?  I am sure my Mother never expected me to celebrate what I do?  A Mother can never get to caught up in expectation with her kids.  That reminds me of a song based on a writing by Kahlil someone or other...can't remember how to spell the last name, but it goes like this:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.

They come through you but they are not from you.

They are with you , but belong not to you.

You can give them your love but not your thoughts.

They have their own thoughts.

You can house their bodies but not their souls.

For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow,

Which you can not visit not even in your dreams.

You can long to be like them,

But you can not make them just like you.

A Quote

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live with them.  and the point is, to live everything.  live the questions now.  perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...

-rainer maria rilke

Dusk on the Fern Ridge Trail

This afternoon I decided to go out with the children, despite many rumors of black ice, frigid temperatures and freezing rain.  We were sick of the house, have had company for more than two weeks (don't even get me started on that one right now- it's a whole blog post of it's own), needed some space and hadn't yet done our yearly ritual of gathering greens for an Advent Wreath on our home nature table.  Usually I start the nature-based advent rituals in the beginning of December, but since we just unpacked enough to get the nature table out from under some boxes and put in it's official spot, today was the day.

I got the babies ridiculously bundled for the Chariot ride, and then stepped out to find out that as usual, my fellow Oregonians are completely over-reacting, because I found the weather to be mild and pleasant, in a wintery and nippy kind of way.  There was minimal ice to slip on, no precipitation and a lovely thick mist in the air.  A very small portion of the canal had some floating ice (okay weather eggageraters, I'll give you that!). We had a really nice time picking out greens to clip.  I would point and Reya would help me choose before I cut each piece.  She especially likes the plants with little red berries, like Holly and Laurel.  She was completely into the process, and Galen appeared to be watching in silent wonderment and content.  It is so awesome to be back in a lush environment where so many different trees are all around, and thriving in health.

Along the tree-snipping adventure, we had the pleasure of viewing several animals enjoying the early dusk.  It was really hard to photograph them, because the camera was hard to hold perfectly still while the shutter moved slowly enough for the dim light out, which is why the pictures are both dark and blurry, but I wanted to put them up here, anyway.  This is the first Nutria that we have gotten this close to.  A lot of people think they are unpleasant creatures, but this evening I found my self drawn to them, as they went about their business, eating the tall grass along side the canal, and slipping away into their holes when they felt uncomfortable with our eyes on them.

I saw one young one, alongside what I guessed to be it's mother.  Very sweet.

Many ducks were sitting together in remarkable stillness along the bank, as well.  I wonder if they were nestling down to keep warm?

In the dimming evening, my babies both nodded off to dreamland.  The lovely, moist air and silence floated blissfully around me.  I walked moderately, savoring the space,  energized by my own movements, and let tensions slip away as I settled into a rare enjoyment of solitude.  I heard a rustle, and drew in my breath in delight when I realized that it wasn't more nutria, but a pair of young raccoons peeking curiously from the underbrush.  We watched each other in fascination, and I attempted a few photos, but it was far too dark, and all I got were some glowing eyes in a midnight background (not worth posting).  I walked for another hour, into the deepening night, up hills, down slopes and into my wandering mind.

Nuzzled

The other night I lay with my arm around my little Reya at bedtime.  She had had such an emotionally tumultuous day, and I wondered if I had even managed to fully express my love and affection to her, amidst managing her repeated fits and attempting to follow through on appropriate, consistent consequences.  Then, unexpectedly, like a little blessing, she climbed atop me, nuzzled her face into my neck, and declared in a passionate almost whisper, with the higher pitch of being two, "I so happy with you, Mama.  I very happy!".  The joy swelled in my heart, as I felt the love that one may only know in motherhood.

Cooking the History Books: The Thanksgiving Massacre

Cooking the History Books: The Thanksgiving Massacre

It is so important to know the difference between true and invented history.  I love a feast as much as all of us Americans, but I love people, too.  I hate to blindly celebrate something that spits in the face of a people who deserve our apologies and respect, as well as a lot of repayment for wrongs that will never be righted.  Take a couple of minutes to read this article (click link above) , if you will, and think about what our ancestors have done.  How can we keep the gratitude alive within us, remain aware of the truth, and observe the less than beautiful times in our history in appropriate ways?  This is not a rhetorical question.  I would love to hear from anyone who has a thought.

I am looking forward to a delicious meal and to spending precious time with family tomorrow, and I love the reminder of thankfulness that has been written into the name of this holiday, but there will be a certain sobriety about me as I hold an awareness of how the holiday came about, and the ways in which traditions have evolved.

Are you listening openly, really? Think again. (questioning myself)

Sometimes I am so foolishly sure that I know what I think about everything.  I also continue on with this idea that I am listening to others, and that I am considering their thoughts and ideas with an open mind and heart.  The trouble is, I think this, even while forgetting to open them (the rusted shut mind and heart).  I just keep thinking, " I'm so open minded", and "I'm a pretty good listener", while I forget to actively be those things.  Instead, I lock myself up, thinking about what I am sure that I KNOW.  I default to auto-listen and filter all information through my little soap box position.  Often I am wrong when I assume things about others, but it takes me a really long time to realize that what seem like very foreign philosophies are uncannily more similar to my own than I could have imagined.  Then I feel bad.  I feel bad for not listening with my whole self, for being too stuck, for being a know-it-all, for separating "me" and "you", or "us" and "them".  It is really good when someone points out in a very kind way, what a jerk I'm being, and that it would help if I'd listen and stop talking.  I get defensive and it causes a temporarily faltering in my ego (as well as a noisy and emotional debate).  I have to think, "maybe I don't look or sound so admirable", and "what if someone thinks I'm doing a terrible job at the things that I am trying to do best in life".  Then I start listening, reconsidering, learning, and remembering my humility.  Thank goodness.

There's the forest. 

I frequently miss it through all those trees.

Daddy loves his baby

Reya asks for this song to be sung to her at bedtime almost every night now.

Baby oh Baby,

Feign you are to sleep

Magpie and marpoke,

Busy  as a bee.

The little red calves

In the snug cow shed,

And the little brown birds are in the trees.

Daddy's gone a shearin' 

Down the castle Wray,

So we're all alone now,

Only you and me.

Home on the wool-o,

Keep your wide blades full-o.

Daddy loves his baby,

Parting though he be.

I start to feel sad for her, and wonder how traumatic this has been, and how much she does miss her Daddy, even though I know that I did what I had to do.  Just when I am in the thick of contemplation and misery, singing her this lullaby with mournful sweetness, her little voice bursts forth, "Mama, I pinch my cheek.  Reya so silly!".  Then I lighten up, and know that even though she misses Daddy, she is not thinking about it nearly as long and hard as I am.

Rain, rain, Yay yay yay!

I woke up this morning to heavy rain outside.  This has been the rainiest day yet, since I moved to Oregon, almost three weeks ago.  I lifted the blinds in delight, and held my camera up to the glass of my bedroom window, to capture a rather blurry rendition of the water cascading off of the roof gutter of a neighboring duplex.  Feeling watery and cozy, I decided to put off our usual immediate breakfast-upon-rising habit, and took a family shower/bath.  My sister gave us a big, baby tub.  She calls it a euro-tub.  It is designed to accommodate a growing baby into toddlerhood, with room for laying or sitting.  The first time I used it I was ready to chuck it, finding it to be too big to stand next to comfortably, and scarily deep for my little bambino.  I am in the habit of showering with the baby in the little plastic tub at my feet, within the shower tub, freeing up my mama hands to wash, while introducing baby to minimal shower spraying.  I find that they have almost no fear of water or spray, after bathing this way with me during infancy.  It is possible to begin this at about 2 1/2 months of age, when the neck  strength is enough to stabilize the baby in a slightly upright, but still reclined position.  My ex-partner would rarely hold Reya to give me time to bathe, when she was tiny, two years ago.   I came up with this method by pure necessity.

Magically, this morning's shower was wonderful.  The children were able to sit in the tub together and play.  I figured out how to adjust the drainage feature on it, so it didn't fill to deep for baby, and I managed better than I thought I could, in the approximately ten inches of space between the euro-tub and shower wall, under the shower head.  There is something to be said for a second try, a new day, and a patient attitude.

Lately, Reya has been enamored with looking at herself in the mirror.  She is quite dramatic, and admires herself openly. 

Coming from the standpoint of being a Waldorf Early Childhood teacher, this concerns me a little.  In Waldorf Kindergartens and Nurseries, mirrors are covered with cloths, to prevent the children from an early development of this ego.  They are better off with a slower "incarnation" into this type of consciousness.  Better to be less aware of the physical and of appearances, to stay innocent and dreamy.  Here is where theory and values butt up against convenience and function.  The mirrors function as doors to the closet, and cloths would get in the way.  Also, the mirrored doors help my tiny space feel larger.  They have a coldness about them, though.  I am leaning toward a smaller but warmer feeling space.  I might take down the doors and store them, and hang some curtains on a rod, instead.  It was kind of humorous to watch her doing her mirror play.  Then she got rambunctious and began running an crashing into the mirror with her dress pulled up, shouting at the top of her lungs, "Belly ButtonYay!".  If I took them down, I sure wouldn't miss the sound of those doors being continually rattled and messed with.  The question:  Where can they be stored?

Yesterday we went on an explore, and found a hole in a fence.  We were able to squeeze through, even wearing Galen on my chest in the Moby wrap.  We found ourselves in a pasture, with a grove of Weeping Willows!  What a lovely place to play, right next to home.  I'm loving to explore this wet, wild, green world.

This evening, Galen napped some more in the Moby wrap.  That thing has been my saving grace, and a literal pain in the body, all at the same time.  I am convinced that this sort of wrap is more comfortable than almost any other way to wear a baby, it keeps him safe from his mischevious, rival and zealous, toddler sister (except for dangling fingers and toes that sometimes get bit), and he sleeps very comfortably in it.  On the other hand, he is going on five months old, and getting heavier.  Ouch, wearing him almost full time is starting to wear on me.
Anyway, I wore him while he slept this evening, and Reya and I had fun baking.  This is the first baking project from scratch in our new home.  (Not to knock the yummy cake from a mix with Jenn last week, but it was from a MIX.)  Tonight we made muffins and sweet bread from butternut squash puree, sweetened with honey, and lumpy with the goodness of chopped pecans and chocolate chips.  I ate mine with cream cheese.  Delish.

My best friend!

This is my best friend.  She jumped into my heart when I was nine years old.  She is the most loyal person that I have ever known in all of my 36 years of this life, as well as the most honest.  I am so unspeakably happy to be back in Oregon, so that I can spend time with her more frequently.  I have a handful of really beautiful friendships with people scattered across the states. Some of them are growing to be vital to my existence and happiness,  but no others have endured for 27 years, or quite contain the depth to equal my friendship with this woman.

In and out of the hood

Yesterday we found a chalk board by the dumpster.  We took it home and washed it, and then Reya and I played while Galen slept.  So much fun! 

Today I walked North toward my favorite thrift store.

  My walk took me out of the more attractive surroundings of my immediate neighborhood, into the less beautiful W. 7'th and Garfield area.  The kids and I had a stroller full of thrifted goods. 

Here's what we saw.  This place is right next to the Salvation Army store. 

The sight of it made me hungry.  I'd like to try it sometime.  There's no money to eat out, but maybe someday.  Then, on the way home: 

Hmmm...That will probably bring a few shady folks nearby.  Then, a few blocks further. 

Yum.  I've always had a weakness for donuts.  In the same shopping center, I saw

Here is where I can take my sick sewing machine, if and when, again, I have any money to spare.  Another few blocks,

and this place is somewhere that Reya's grandparents would probably like to go, if they visit us, one day.  Soon we began to get into the neighborhood.  Someone down the block from me has some interesting bottle sculpture going on in their front yard- Eugene is so quirky.

Here is the creek, looking at it from the bridge. 

The places to the left are the condos I live in.  To the right is the path that people bike and walk on.
The leaves are BEAUTIOUS right now! 

Reya loves these-- what are they?  Rhododendrons, maybe?  And, this was the other day, actually, but I just have to show off the beautiful rain! Tonight I opened my window a few inches, while laying down with the kids, and the sounds are musical to my ears.  I have loved rain my entire life, probably because I grew up here.

When we returned from the walk, both children were miraculously asleep, so I got a tiny bit of unpacking done.  I got out a few nick-nacks and started my alter space on the top of a bookshelf in my bedroom.  It made such a difference for me.  This place is starting to feel like home!  The nap did wonders, and the children had a nice evening.  They are starting to play now, a little, since Galen is getting older.  He laughs, and thinks his sister is hilarious. She eats it up and gets sillier.  It is fun to watch!  The poor little guy is teething like crazy right now.  He has learned to grab things and get them into his mouth.  It is nice that he is starting to like toys.  Reya still has to get in the limelight.  She'll duck in front of him to get in the pictures I take.  He has revenge.  He knows how to pull hair!