Starting Over

What a ride the last 9 months of my life have been. I couldn't even tell it all, as it would take longer than I have. All that I can say is that it was full of drama, pregnancy, crisis, relationship breakdown, violence, the closing of my business, instability, medical procedures, financial struggle, moving from a little house I liked to a basement and then to a crappy little low-income duplex, and then, wa-la, my baby was born.His birth was preceded by all of the catalysts that created dramatic change. He is a healer. He is a beautiful, calm soul that has managed to help create gentleness and love in his father, and between all of our family. He stayed in my womb against all odds (I tend to birth prematurely) and came out quickly and sweetly in the comfort of my home (okay- I'm not crazy about the home, but it worked to birth in), full of health and promise! Welcome to my fifth baby, my fourth living child, and my third son! I am in love!
Oh, and thank you to the home birth midwives who took me on in trade, without need for cash, with faith and generousity!

Winter weather in time for Advent!

I must admit that I was enjoying the delayed onset of snow and cold this year. It is just so much easier to get a class full of pre-schoolers outside to play, with minimal outer wear. Well, on Dec 2, just in time for the start of the Advent Season, the snow began. It turned my play-yard into a spectacle of beauty.
That was a rough day. There was something in the air that directed poor communication and ill moods, which threw me into an emotionally disrupted mess. The day began terribly with mystery man, I had miscommunication with my sister, and a care-giver who dropped off and picked up one of my students. Additionally, 3 out of 5 of the children came unprepared for the frigid weather with thin, pointless gloves, inappropriate footwear, and even lack of hats and other snow gear. My plan to play outdoors half of the day was foiled by tears and miserably chilled hands and feet. This was the gateway to further tears and tantrums as the day went on. I was ever so glad when all the mamas took them home for the day. The following week was much improved, so looking back, I realize that there will be bad days. That one was a doozie.

I worked so hard on my advent spiral festival! Several parent volunteers did as well. The event was on Dec. 6. It was beautiful! The spiral was fragrant and gorgeous, adorned with crystals, seashells, holly and green velvet in addition to the juniper and other evergreen branches. My friend Susan played flute and guitar, and helped me sing. Some of the more confident parents also filled in the songs with their voices. My eldest son made the most angelic advent angel, sweetly helping young and old alike to light candles and place their apple lanterns on a gold star along the path. When everyone had a turn, I called to the children to follow me into the story room, where they watched a puppet show about St. Nikolas taming a vicious pine marten. While they were engaged with my story, St. Nikolas secretly stopped in, leaving a gift of a tangerine, a honey stick and a golden nut in their shoes, all tied up in a cloth sack with pretty ribbon. At the end, they left in magical wonder and a spirit of happiness. Seeing their lit up faces made all of the work so worthwhile.

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WE LIGHT ONE CANDLE SHINING CLEAR, ETERNAL LIGHT MAY ENTER HERE. THAT SHINETH IN THE WINTER NIGHT, TO MAKE US CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT.
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Today, the children showed up to school much more equipped for the weather. The parents listened to my rantings from the week before and provided water-proof and insulated mittens, good snow boots, warm hats and coats, wool socks, etc. Yay! We went sledding after preparing and eating our veggie soup and muffins, and they were warm and happy. It was a good day. My little daughter is obsessed with climbing right now. Here she is having climbed up onto the play-school table after we finished cutting our soup veggies. Little rascal- she won't let me stop her, and does it over and over and over again.

Holiday Waldorf Festivites

I have been very, very busy. Ever since the Lilac Moon Play-School re-opened in my home in September, I have stayed up nights cleaning, prepping, baking, etc. It is amazing what it takes to run a Waldorf program in my home two mornings a week. I know I work well over forty hours a week. I am learning that in some ways it is easier to be on a faculty at a large school. I used to share all of the planning and duties for festivals and special events with several other teachers and we had a large parent body to pull from for volunteer help. I am now trying to do all of this myself. I would still rather have my own school and be my own boss any day, but my goodness, it's a lot of work. We had our lantern walk for Martinmas two weeks ago. It went well, but I learned that I did not ask for nearly enough parent help, until two days before the event, when I was about to panic. A few people came through to help, but set-up had no early helpers, and it was SO hard. I worked my 13 year old boy like a slave. He had such a great attitude about the whole thing. He really is a wonderful kid. I am ever so continually thankful for him. He helped me with his bike and bike cart, going back and forth several times, putting over 40 luminaries throughout the Poudre river path in the woods. It was exceptionally windy that afternoon, so lighting the candles in them proved to be a tricky venture, but after so much effort, we had an incredible walk through a magically lit woods, singing under a full moon. The children loved it. I may have loved it even more.
Now we are one week from an even bigger event- the Advent Spiral, which I am combining with St. Nikolas Day. My friend Alisa was over last night until midnight, helping me felt wool story characters. I am also creating a little cottage for St. Nik, out of sticks and a glue gun. It is cute so far, and I am thoroughly enjoying the creation of it. She will help me go up Wrist Canyon next Friday to collect many Evergreen Boughs for the spiral. There is a dizzying amount of work to be done, but I think it will be beautiful!
Back to work I go!
Oh- we finally got a bit (a light dusting very teeny bit) of snow last night. I was wondering if Winter was ever coming to Colorado this year?

Stupa of Dharmakaya

I have lived in this area for more than five years, yet I just finally got around to visiting the Shambhala Mountain Center. I loved it. It is only about an hour away from Fort Collins, where I live, in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. The natural environment there is gorgeous, and we had a delicious and nutritious lunch that they serve to the public each day. After lunch, we hiked up to the Stupa. Just before the Stupa, is this alter, which is very interesting to look at. There are uncountable treasures left by visitors. I left a penny, but next time I will come prepared with a more personal or meaningful item to offer.
On a bench on the way up the steps was a chipmunk. This is the first live chipmunk I have ever seen in real life (that I remember, anyway).

Here we are at the front door (Mystery Man was really good about wearing baby all day long that day).
Upon entering, I was absolutely floored with a sense of peace and wonder, seeing this incredibly gentle and beautiful rendition of the Buddha.
The pictures do not do it justice, as the feeling standing in that space is absolutely transformative.
I wanted to capture a close-up of the mudra(hand expression), as I find it to be particularly special. Oh, and look at the incredible eyes on this statue. When baby saw it she smiled so brightly and said "deeeeee" which means she really, really likes it.




This is the ceiling. I layed down on the meditation cushions and looked up, to take this pic. There are animals all around the outside. They remind me of the animals in the chinese zodiac, but I am not sure if that is what they are.
Here is a more complete shot of the outside as we were leaving,
and from the back, from the hill behind.

'The purpose of the stupa is to promote peace and harmony and compassion in the world. It is a proclamation- a monument to human kindness.'

As we trudged on up the hill, we saw many dear, and then we made our way to the Shinto shrine. We bowed as we went through the gates, and bowed and clapped at the alter, as we read was according to custom. I like what I read about Shinto in Japan. It feels somehow similar to my own pagan spirituality.
So lovely nestled in the woods.

NO Show, NO Call, NO Fire

What a bizzaro day. I slept like hell last night, partly because I didn't go to bed until 3:30 AM, and partly because baby was restless and I was on edge, knowing I had to be up by 8. As it turns out, I didn't really have to be. I showered, made sure the place looked spiffy, made a pot of tea for my expected guests, and waited while I watered plants, fed the cat and paced. They didn't come. I called when they were almost an hour late, and she said she spaced it and was sorry. Her basement had flooded in the rains a few days ago, and the fixer people had come out to take care of it today. She said she'd call me back this afternoon to reschedule a tour of my preschool and to meet me. She didn't call. It sucks to have cleaned all night for someone who wasn't very seriously interested, or so it seems. Maybe she'll get around to calling me, but I am feeling doubtful.

So, I had the Woolly Mamas over here for the evening instead. We had a really great time. Ivy came, and we were all so glad to see her, because she hasn't been around for a month, due to vacations and various medical emergencies (her son was recently diagnosed with muscular dystrophy- poor little Rain has a huge struggle ahead of him, and he's such a happy little one year old).

Our potluck dinner was scrumptalicious as usual, because we all love to cook, and are good at it, too. The kids played with great fun, imagination and engagement in my new preschool room, and watching them enjoy the space that I created, gave me unspeakable happiness and fulfillment.

I am supposed to be sitting outside by the fire pit right now. Unfortunately, Mystery Man and his brother canceled the plan to hang out with me at the last minute, in favor of drinking at "Surfside". I had called another guy friend earlier today, and left a message to see if he wanted to come, too. He didn't call back. Therefore, I am burning electricity and typing, instead of burning wood and talking. Lonelier for sure, but hey, I do like to blog. I keep trying not to dwell in feelings of abandonment and neglect. Besides, just a few hours ago, I had a house full of women and children who love me. It seems to be a recurring theme, that whether it be conversation, assistance, company or love, these women will be there for me, and no one else. I have friends.

I just spent 10 minutes searching for my missing camera case, which contains the cable to upload pics. I wanted to show a pic of Mystery Man's cousin, lying fallen on the ground drunk by the fire a few days ago. No camera case, no cable, but in my search I grasped onto a bit of clarity. I asked myself, why was I wishing I was by the fire with a couple of drunk men? Boys? Men? Boys. I need not choose to be in this particular version of my life so fully. Glad all of a sudden, to be alone drinking raspberry juice mixed with lemonade, and dipping bread into garlic-basil olive oil. Ahhh.
Now it is time for much needed sleep.

sandwich rock

While we were hiking yesterday, we crossed some water (several times, actually), stepping over rocks. When I stepped on this one, I looked down and laughed aloud. Karuna, my friend Wind's 10 year old daughter, said, "it's a sandwich!" "oh my God, I said, it totally is." I didn't have my camera with me, so I had Kristianne take a picture of it and email it to me, so I could post it here. Can't you just picture a big, hairy forest monster that eats grass and leaves, acidentally dropping this half a sandwich in the water? It is cut the diagonal way, from corner to corner so it is triangular, of course. Yum, munch, munch, munch. The hungry monster is looking for his lunch.

Why am I blogging at 1:56 AM? Because I have been cleaning my house since 10:30 PM, and I'm sick and tired of it, but I can't officially stop for the night, because I have a mom of two kids (potential students) coming to meet me and view the Lilac Moon Playschool at 9 AM. I must have it looking clean and cute, since I am a detailed perfectionist who can't keep on top of her shit, to get things done before the last minute. Actually, I might be more efficient if I wasn't chasing a walking, 11 1/2 month old, mess machine all day. Not to complain, since she is one of the great joys of every second of my life.

hiking, friends and food

This day started out rough. I don't know what it is about some days, but today was one of them that just wouldn't flow. Everything I tried to communicate to Mystery Man got all mangled and misunderstood, and we couldn't get along. Everything I tried to do got messed up or interrupted. I got WAY too many phone calls in the middle of everything, like when I was naked in a towel, just out of the shower, holding a crying baby and trying to say something important to Mystery Man before he motored away in a truck with his brother, the phone rang about some in depth stuff, and when I was trying to pack a lunch to go on a picnic and friends were on the way to get me, more phone calls, and when I was trying to dress a crying baby, more phone calls, etc., etc .
I had a nice day with my friends Wind and Kristianne, and our herd of kids, though, hiking up the canyon, picnicking, and then eating at Ras-ka for dinner. Yum. I am not quite out of my frustrated mood, and am completely overwhelmed with responsibility right now, but at least I can say that I had a good chunk of great friends time in nature today. Again, as I have said so many times before, I couldn't do it without my sistas!

music, music, music, dancing to music

Two nights in a row now, I have had the amazing privilege of dancing to great live music in the street. Right now, Fort Collins is having our festival called New West Fest, and every night there are outdoor concerts (the series is called Bohemian Nights). Yesterday was pouring rain all day for the second day in a row, and I was in heaven. I spent the morning at my friend Alisa's house cooking breakfast with her and her children, with my children, also. mmm..., blueberry pancakes, garlicky potatoes, mate chai, lemonade, raspberry juice.

After breakfast, I caught up with Mystery Man and his parents and extended family who are visiting from Texas, and we went to "Cooper Smith's" to drink, after some good food at "The Thai Pepper". I had a little over half of a stout beer (don't drink much), but the company was fun. We stepped out into Old Town Square afterward, and heard "12 cents for Marvin", a local Ska band. I danced with Mystery Man's mom in the rain. It felt so good! Then we ate again at "Pueblo Viejo"- can't say that their food is my favorite, but it was okay.

Today, I went to a clothing exchange, then saw the wonderful "Tajmahal" play this evening. Baby fell asleep in a pack on my chest to the loud music. It was great, dancing with her dad to the blues. I tried to keep her ears covered with my hands, and I hope there was no damage. I loved being together there, the three of us. What a nice night. There are some people out in my backyard right now, having a fire, so I think I will join them! Goodnight!

heart race

He drove me home like a bat out of hell. Sometimes he gets in this mood, and he drives so fast, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding up on cars ahead of us and getting sooooooooo close, then stopping quickly or dashing into the next lane, running stoplights just as they are about to turn green, or if no one that he can see is coming. Such an uncomfortable ride. So terrifying. He doesn't care if I ask him to slow down. He gets mad that I don't trust him. How can I trust when I see myself rushing toward something and my heart is racing, and I think we might crash and possibly die. My precious child is in her car seat behind me, and I imagine how it must feel to her with her seat leaning this way and that, her head being violently shifted. When he hears me draw in a tense breath or grab onto the handle tightly, when he sees me stiffen and push into the floor in front of me with my feet, he gets angry and he goes faster. He takes corners more recklessly. He makes the car skid and peel. He tears down our quiet neighborhood street, slamming to a stop in front of our house to let me out. I pick up the sleeping baby who is stirring to his pounding music. I know there is no point in asking him to turn it down, because in this mood he might just turn it up instead, and as I barely step out of the car with her, he tears off again, the door swinging shut by his momentum. Terror and trauma. This is not the first time. This is not the 12'th time. Not everyday, but usually every week. I said "how do you think this feels to her" nodding toward our little sleeping daughter. He said it doesn't matter because it is for me.

Divinely Beautiful Day

There is this man that I fell in love with three years ago. I didn't try to- I actually tried not to. It just happened like going insane. I posessed no ability to check myself with logic and reason. I was smitten and desperate. Of course with the intensity that I bring to most everything, this was over the top. I did the epitome of "too much too fast" in my interactions with him, knowing I was ruining it, yet unable to do anything else. I knew I was a curse to him, an older, divorced woman with two children, with a complex life, and fairly demanding in my relationship needs. I should not have been surprised when he quickly became smothered and overwhelmed, dumping me within days, yet I was completely devastated. I badly feigned the ability to take the news with grace, but became an obsessive almost stalker. The almost part means that I didn't actually follow him around, but it took every ounce of discipline that I had not to.
Just in the nick of time, Mystery Man came along to distract me. I began communicating with Mystery Man when we worked together at a health food store, where the above mentioned recipient of my affection worked with us. I was constantly talking (decompressing) to Mystery Man about my predicament- being painfully unable to get over this other guy, feeling obsessed, and the heartbreak, embarrassment and discomfort of it all staring me in the face right in my workplace. Mystery Man listened and tried to offer some advice. Somehow in the midst of this, he and I got closer and ended up together, and it stuck. I think in retrospect, that I became close to Mystery Man as a distraction, sometimes called a rebound relationship. It is complex, because I was so recently divorced, that both could have been considered to be on the rebound. Anyway, I think of the partnership that I am still in today, to be the actual rebound, just because the love that I felt for the other guy really stuck. I have never lost that sense of deep caring for him.
So why this story now? Well, I have done a lot of adjusting my mind set and rethinking my intentions, and have been able to begin to shift the nature of my feelings for this man. We have recently been in contact, and it is such a sweet relief to think of him simply as a loved friend, and to care about him more purely, like I do for my dearest friends. The intensity of my love has not lessened, but the nature of it has definitely changed. I was able to spend time with him today for the first time in a couple of years, and I had the most divine time. We walked to the river and talked. There was very little awkwardness or conflict of feeling and intention. I was able to look at him and feel the mellowness that comes with a comfortable friendship. He seemed more mature. I felt more mature. I haven't had a nicer day in as long as I can remember. Thank you to him for opening to the possibility of seeing me from a different angle. I look forward to knowing him more, now that we have gotten the B.S. out of the way.
Then to top off a beautiful day, I spent the evening with another loved friend who has a one week old baby girl. I brought them dinner, and ended up hanging out unexpectedly for about three hours. She was really craving the social interaction, and after she ate and nursed her baby for a looooong time, we went walking to the CSU flower gardens, and had great fun and conversation. I just loved today. I am so immensely and indescribably thankful for good friends!