Winter weather in time for Advent!

I must admit that I was enjoying the delayed onset of snow and cold this year. It is just so much easier to get a class full of pre-schoolers outside to play, with minimal outer wear. Well, on Dec 2, just in time for the start of the Advent Season, the snow began. It turned my play-yard into a spectacle of beauty.
That was a rough day. There was something in the air that directed poor communication and ill moods, which threw me into an emotionally disrupted mess. The day began terribly with mystery man, I had miscommunication with my sister, and a care-giver who dropped off and picked up one of my students. Additionally, 3 out of 5 of the children came unprepared for the frigid weather with thin, pointless gloves, inappropriate footwear, and even lack of hats and other snow gear. My plan to play outdoors half of the day was foiled by tears and miserably chilled hands and feet. This was the gateway to further tears and tantrums as the day went on. I was ever so glad when all the mamas took them home for the day. The following week was much improved, so looking back, I realize that there will be bad days. That one was a doozie.

I worked so hard on my advent spiral festival! Several parent volunteers did as well. The event was on Dec. 6. It was beautiful! The spiral was fragrant and gorgeous, adorned with crystals, seashells, holly and green velvet in addition to the juniper and other evergreen branches. My friend Susan played flute and guitar, and helped me sing. Some of the more confident parents also filled in the songs with their voices. My eldest son made the most angelic advent angel, sweetly helping young and old alike to light candles and place their apple lanterns on a gold star along the path. When everyone had a turn, I called to the children to follow me into the story room, where they watched a puppet show about St. Nikolas taming a vicious pine marten. While they were engaged with my story, St. Nikolas secretly stopped in, leaving a gift of a tangerine, a honey stick and a golden nut in their shoes, all tied up in a cloth sack with pretty ribbon. At the end, they left in magical wonder and a spirit of happiness. Seeing their lit up faces made all of the work so worthwhile.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
WE LIGHT ONE CANDLE SHINING CLEAR, ETERNAL LIGHT MAY ENTER HERE. THAT SHINETH IN THE WINTER NIGHT, TO MAKE US CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT.
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Today, the children showed up to school much more equipped for the weather. The parents listened to my rantings from the week before and provided water-proof and insulated mittens, good snow boots, warm hats and coats, wool socks, etc. Yay! We went sledding after preparing and eating our veggie soup and muffins, and they were warm and happy. It was a good day. My little daughter is obsessed with climbing right now. Here she is having climbed up onto the play-school table after we finished cutting our soup veggies. Little rascal- she won't let me stop her, and does it over and over and over again.

Holiday Waldorf Festivites

I have been very, very busy. Ever since the Lilac Moon Play-School re-opened in my home in September, I have stayed up nights cleaning, prepping, baking, etc. It is amazing what it takes to run a Waldorf program in my home two mornings a week. I know I work well over forty hours a week. I am learning that in some ways it is easier to be on a faculty at a large school. I used to share all of the planning and duties for festivals and special events with several other teachers and we had a large parent body to pull from for volunteer help. I am now trying to do all of this myself. I would still rather have my own school and be my own boss any day, but my goodness, it's a lot of work. We had our lantern walk for Martinmas two weeks ago. It went well, but I learned that I did not ask for nearly enough parent help, until two days before the event, when I was about to panic. A few people came through to help, but set-up had no early helpers, and it was SO hard. I worked my 13 year old boy like a slave. He had such a great attitude about the whole thing. He really is a wonderful kid. I am ever so continually thankful for him. He helped me with his bike and bike cart, going back and forth several times, putting over 40 luminaries throughout the Poudre river path in the woods. It was exceptionally windy that afternoon, so lighting the candles in them proved to be a tricky venture, but after so much effort, we had an incredible walk through a magically lit woods, singing under a full moon. The children loved it. I may have loved it even more.
Now we are one week from an even bigger event- the Advent Spiral, which I am combining with St. Nikolas Day. My friend Alisa was over last night until midnight, helping me felt wool story characters. I am also creating a little cottage for St. Nik, out of sticks and a glue gun. It is cute so far, and I am thoroughly enjoying the creation of it. She will help me go up Wrist Canyon next Friday to collect many Evergreen Boughs for the spiral. There is a dizzying amount of work to be done, but I think it will be beautiful!
Back to work I go!
Oh- we finally got a bit (a light dusting very teeny bit) of snow last night. I was wondering if Winter was ever coming to Colorado this year?

Stupa of Dharmakaya

I have lived in this area for more than five years, yet I just finally got around to visiting the Shambhala Mountain Center. I loved it. It is only about an hour away from Fort Collins, where I live, in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. The natural environment there is gorgeous, and we had a delicious and nutritious lunch that they serve to the public each day. After lunch, we hiked up to the Stupa. Just before the Stupa, is this alter, which is very interesting to look at. There are uncountable treasures left by visitors. I left a penny, but next time I will come prepared with a more personal or meaningful item to offer.
On a bench on the way up the steps was a chipmunk. This is the first live chipmunk I have ever seen in real life (that I remember, anyway).

Here we are at the front door (Mystery Man was really good about wearing baby all day long that day).
Upon entering, I was absolutely floored with a sense of peace and wonder, seeing this incredibly gentle and beautiful rendition of the Buddha.
The pictures do not do it justice, as the feeling standing in that space is absolutely transformative.
I wanted to capture a close-up of the mudra(hand expression), as I find it to be particularly special. Oh, and look at the incredible eyes on this statue. When baby saw it she smiled so brightly and said "deeeeee" which means she really, really likes it.




This is the ceiling. I layed down on the meditation cushions and looked up, to take this pic. There are animals all around the outside. They remind me of the animals in the chinese zodiac, but I am not sure if that is what they are.
Here is a more complete shot of the outside as we were leaving,
and from the back, from the hill behind.

'The purpose of the stupa is to promote peace and harmony and compassion in the world. It is a proclamation- a monument to human kindness.'

As we trudged on up the hill, we saw many dear, and then we made our way to the Shinto shrine. We bowed as we went through the gates, and bowed and clapped at the alter, as we read was according to custom. I like what I read about Shinto in Japan. It feels somehow similar to my own pagan spirituality.
So lovely nestled in the woods.

NO Show, NO Call, NO Fire

What a bizzaro day. I slept like hell last night, partly because I didn't go to bed until 3:30 AM, and partly because baby was restless and I was on edge, knowing I had to be up by 8. As it turns out, I didn't really have to be. I showered, made sure the place looked spiffy, made a pot of tea for my expected guests, and waited while I watered plants, fed the cat and paced. They didn't come. I called when they were almost an hour late, and she said she spaced it and was sorry. Her basement had flooded in the rains a few days ago, and the fixer people had come out to take care of it today. She said she'd call me back this afternoon to reschedule a tour of my preschool and to meet me. She didn't call. It sucks to have cleaned all night for someone who wasn't very seriously interested, or so it seems. Maybe she'll get around to calling me, but I am feeling doubtful.

So, I had the Woolly Mamas over here for the evening instead. We had a really great time. Ivy came, and we were all so glad to see her, because she hasn't been around for a month, due to vacations and various medical emergencies (her son was recently diagnosed with muscular dystrophy- poor little Rain has a huge struggle ahead of him, and he's such a happy little one year old).

Our potluck dinner was scrumptalicious as usual, because we all love to cook, and are good at it, too. The kids played with great fun, imagination and engagement in my new preschool room, and watching them enjoy the space that I created, gave me unspeakable happiness and fulfillment.

I am supposed to be sitting outside by the fire pit right now. Unfortunately, Mystery Man and his brother canceled the plan to hang out with me at the last minute, in favor of drinking at "Surfside". I had called another guy friend earlier today, and left a message to see if he wanted to come, too. He didn't call back. Therefore, I am burning electricity and typing, instead of burning wood and talking. Lonelier for sure, but hey, I do like to blog. I keep trying not to dwell in feelings of abandonment and neglect. Besides, just a few hours ago, I had a house full of women and children who love me. It seems to be a recurring theme, that whether it be conversation, assistance, company or love, these women will be there for me, and no one else. I have friends.

I just spent 10 minutes searching for my missing camera case, which contains the cable to upload pics. I wanted to show a pic of Mystery Man's cousin, lying fallen on the ground drunk by the fire a few days ago. No camera case, no cable, but in my search I grasped onto a bit of clarity. I asked myself, why was I wishing I was by the fire with a couple of drunk men? Boys? Men? Boys. I need not choose to be in this particular version of my life so fully. Glad all of a sudden, to be alone drinking raspberry juice mixed with lemonade, and dipping bread into garlic-basil olive oil. Ahhh.
Now it is time for much needed sleep.

sandwich rock

While we were hiking yesterday, we crossed some water (several times, actually), stepping over rocks. When I stepped on this one, I looked down and laughed aloud. Karuna, my friend Wind's 10 year old daughter, said, "it's a sandwich!" "oh my God, I said, it totally is." I didn't have my camera with me, so I had Kristianne take a picture of it and email it to me, so I could post it here. Can't you just picture a big, hairy forest monster that eats grass and leaves, acidentally dropping this half a sandwich in the water? It is cut the diagonal way, from corner to corner so it is triangular, of course. Yum, munch, munch, munch. The hungry monster is looking for his lunch.

Why am I blogging at 1:56 AM? Because I have been cleaning my house since 10:30 PM, and I'm sick and tired of it, but I can't officially stop for the night, because I have a mom of two kids (potential students) coming to meet me and view the Lilac Moon Playschool at 9 AM. I must have it looking clean and cute, since I am a detailed perfectionist who can't keep on top of her shit, to get things done before the last minute. Actually, I might be more efficient if I wasn't chasing a walking, 11 1/2 month old, mess machine all day. Not to complain, since she is one of the great joys of every second of my life.

hiking, friends and food

This day started out rough. I don't know what it is about some days, but today was one of them that just wouldn't flow. Everything I tried to communicate to Mystery Man got all mangled and misunderstood, and we couldn't get along. Everything I tried to do got messed up or interrupted. I got WAY too many phone calls in the middle of everything, like when I was naked in a towel, just out of the shower, holding a crying baby and trying to say something important to Mystery Man before he motored away in a truck with his brother, the phone rang about some in depth stuff, and when I was trying to pack a lunch to go on a picnic and friends were on the way to get me, more phone calls, and when I was trying to dress a crying baby, more phone calls, etc., etc .
I had a nice day with my friends Wind and Kristianne, and our herd of kids, though, hiking up the canyon, picnicking, and then eating at Ras-ka for dinner. Yum. I am not quite out of my frustrated mood, and am completely overwhelmed with responsibility right now, but at least I can say that I had a good chunk of great friends time in nature today. Again, as I have said so many times before, I couldn't do it without my sistas!

music, music, music, dancing to music

Two nights in a row now, I have had the amazing privilege of dancing to great live music in the street. Right now, Fort Collins is having our festival called New West Fest, and every night there are outdoor concerts (the series is called Bohemian Nights). Yesterday was pouring rain all day for the second day in a row, and I was in heaven. I spent the morning at my friend Alisa's house cooking breakfast with her and her children, with my children, also. mmm..., blueberry pancakes, garlicky potatoes, mate chai, lemonade, raspberry juice.

After breakfast, I caught up with Mystery Man and his parents and extended family who are visiting from Texas, and we went to "Cooper Smith's" to drink, after some good food at "The Thai Pepper". I had a little over half of a stout beer (don't drink much), but the company was fun. We stepped out into Old Town Square afterward, and heard "12 cents for Marvin", a local Ska band. I danced with Mystery Man's mom in the rain. It felt so good! Then we ate again at "Pueblo Viejo"- can't say that their food is my favorite, but it was okay.

Today, I went to a clothing exchange, then saw the wonderful "Tajmahal" play this evening. Baby fell asleep in a pack on my chest to the loud music. It was great, dancing with her dad to the blues. I tried to keep her ears covered with my hands, and I hope there was no damage. I loved being together there, the three of us. What a nice night. There are some people out in my backyard right now, having a fire, so I think I will join them! Goodnight!

heart race

He drove me home like a bat out of hell. Sometimes he gets in this mood, and he drives so fast, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding up on cars ahead of us and getting sooooooooo close, then stopping quickly or dashing into the next lane, running stoplights just as they are about to turn green, or if no one that he can see is coming. Such an uncomfortable ride. So terrifying. He doesn't care if I ask him to slow down. He gets mad that I don't trust him. How can I trust when I see myself rushing toward something and my heart is racing, and I think we might crash and possibly die. My precious child is in her car seat behind me, and I imagine how it must feel to her with her seat leaning this way and that, her head being violently shifted. When he hears me draw in a tense breath or grab onto the handle tightly, when he sees me stiffen and push into the floor in front of me with my feet, he gets angry and he goes faster. He takes corners more recklessly. He makes the car skid and peel. He tears down our quiet neighborhood street, slamming to a stop in front of our house to let me out. I pick up the sleeping baby who is stirring to his pounding music. I know there is no point in asking him to turn it down, because in this mood he might just turn it up instead, and as I barely step out of the car with her, he tears off again, the door swinging shut by his momentum. Terror and trauma. This is not the first time. This is not the 12'th time. Not everyday, but usually every week. I said "how do you think this feels to her" nodding toward our little sleeping daughter. He said it doesn't matter because it is for me.

Divinely Beautiful Day

There is this man that I fell in love with three years ago. I didn't try to- I actually tried not to. It just happened like going insane. I posessed no ability to check myself with logic and reason. I was smitten and desperate. Of course with the intensity that I bring to most everything, this was over the top. I did the epitome of "too much too fast" in my interactions with him, knowing I was ruining it, yet unable to do anything else. I knew I was a curse to him, an older, divorced woman with two children, with a complex life, and fairly demanding in my relationship needs. I should not have been surprised when he quickly became smothered and overwhelmed, dumping me within days, yet I was completely devastated. I badly feigned the ability to take the news with grace, but became an obsessive almost stalker. The almost part means that I didn't actually follow him around, but it took every ounce of discipline that I had not to.
Just in the nick of time, Mystery Man came along to distract me. I began communicating with Mystery Man when we worked together at a health food store, where the above mentioned recipient of my affection worked with us. I was constantly talking (decompressing) to Mystery Man about my predicament- being painfully unable to get over this other guy, feeling obsessed, and the heartbreak, embarrassment and discomfort of it all staring me in the face right in my workplace. Mystery Man listened and tried to offer some advice. Somehow in the midst of this, he and I got closer and ended up together, and it stuck. I think in retrospect, that I became close to Mystery Man as a distraction, sometimes called a rebound relationship. It is complex, because I was so recently divorced, that both could have been considered to be on the rebound. Anyway, I think of the partnership that I am still in today, to be the actual rebound, just because the love that I felt for the other guy really stuck. I have never lost that sense of deep caring for him.
So why this story now? Well, I have done a lot of adjusting my mind set and rethinking my intentions, and have been able to begin to shift the nature of my feelings for this man. We have recently been in contact, and it is such a sweet relief to think of him simply as a loved friend, and to care about him more purely, like I do for my dearest friends. The intensity of my love has not lessened, but the nature of it has definitely changed. I was able to spend time with him today for the first time in a couple of years, and I had the most divine time. We walked to the river and talked. There was very little awkwardness or conflict of feeling and intention. I was able to look at him and feel the mellowness that comes with a comfortable friendship. He seemed more mature. I felt more mature. I haven't had a nicer day in as long as I can remember. Thank you to him for opening to the possibility of seeing me from a different angle. I look forward to knowing him more, now that we have gotten the B.S. out of the way.
Then to top off a beautiful day, I spent the evening with another loved friend who has a one week old baby girl. I brought them dinner, and ended up hanging out unexpectedly for about three hours. She was really craving the social interaction, and after she ate and nursed her baby for a looooong time, we went walking to the CSU flower gardens, and had great fun and conversation. I just loved today. I am so immensely and indescribably thankful for good friends!

Airing Laundry- Clean and Dirty

It is hard to begin when it has been so long- I've been thinking about it for weeks, but overwhelmed as to where to start. My conclusion is to go back to where I was when I stopped, and why I stopped in the first place.
Once upon a time, not so long ago...

It was Spring. The sun was shining and the poppies we[re blooming... All of my friends had stopped using their electric clothes dryer and switched to the glorious sun, except for me. I was feeling guilty, but there was this subtle battle between Mystery Man and I about who should go out and get clothesline at the hardware store to hang outside. He was pestering me to get it done, while relaxing with a book or snacking on chips and salsa, and I kept thinking, "Why me? I'm racing around trying to do everything necessary to run a household, short of providing money. I am BUSY! Why tell me to do it? Just go do it yourself if you are thinking about it three times a day!" I ended up giving in without much fight, and going to get and hang it in the end, which is what I usually do, because someone has to, and arguing and being stubborn tires me out.
The clothesline story is a less violent microcosm of my relationship, my life as his partner, and as the mother of his child. I tried in this blog at the start to keep things neutral, to protect his privacy and say kind things, just in case anyone who knows him might be reading. This is a good idea because I care, but it is also a bad idea, because when things get crazy, then I can't blog. I run into a total block. Who can write with sincerity about the flowers, what they made for dinner, or anything of interest or consequence, when their insides are screaming like demons and no one will dare answer the cries.

Wow, that was so goth of me to write. I could be writing for Bauhaus or something- maybe it's because I have been listening to them a lot again lately.

Anyway, things weren't going well, I felt unsupported, and well, gosh, there are lots of things that I still can't bring myself to say here. So I will just say that I spent a while trying to get out of it. I called friends and family in desperation, looking for an escape for a dependent Mama with a baby, who doesn't want to leave her to earn a living. I got offers for temporary shelter and LOTS of advice (and yelling and criticism from my Dad who gets so stressed and worried that he can't stay calm- I had to stop talking to him about it, since there was nothing constructive that he could do). I was all set up to get rescued by my dear friend in Oregon, and get taken to stay with my sister. I worked things out with my ex-husband to share the boys, a few months here, then a few months there. Then things got crazier.

I got a call from the police that he (the ex) was in jail for a drunken "disturbance" with his girlfriend. I had to go pick up the boys. The drunk thing has been a bit of a problem in the past, so I freaked and decided that I didn't trust him much. I went to court and got a temporary protective order for the kids, and a follow-up court date. The final determination was that I need to stick around and be the watcher- make sure he stays sober and safe with the kids, and report him if not, but he can still have them every other week.

New plan? Clearly no escape to Oregon for the sake of son number 1 and 2, so I cooked up a plan to re-start my pre-school and take care of my damn self (being reliant on anyone but me doesn't seem to work for me), so I could live without Mystery Man. I got busy working at advertising and setting up a more serious and professional school really quickly. He agreed to move out August 1.

Then Mystery Man got really nice all of a sudden. We had weeks and weeks of sweetness and I thought maybe the close call finally did it. Things were going to be okay. So, reversal of the break up plan and much relief- I could now just start the school at my leisure, channeling the initial dollars from it into play furniture, toys, supplies, etc. What a luxury! I proceeded with this, thinking I would need to be independent eventually and I didn't want to keep crying wolf about having a school and risk a flaky rep.

Things aren't very sweet anymore. Sometimes only a sour after taste. Sometimes explosive. Sometimes stinging or bitter. I hate roller coasters.


long silence-

-subject change
(because I feel the need to lighten up now)
oh- I got a new bunny a few months ago. She is the gentlest, nicest, hugest French Lop. Her name is Blackberry. She is recovering from being mal-treated for 3 or 4 years by her previous owner. She was very skinny and sick. She loves to run around in my backyard and eat out of my garden. This is a picture of her first few days here. She now has a big, two story cage built by me. I love her, and so does baby. She calls her Dackdey. My mother used to say:
There was a little girl and she had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,she was very, very good,
and when she was bad she was awful.

My little girl's curl was on the nape of her neck a few months ago when I took this. Now that her hair is longer, they are springing out all over. The poem applies. She just started walking. It is so cute. She is determined to go where she pleases, and if I try to stop her she will SCREAMMM!

Outside in the morning

It is so nice to be fully in Spring. It is so amazing to wake up to warmth, to step outside to the garden first thing every morning, and to leave the doors and windows open. It will soon be hotter than I prefer, but for now, I am basking in Spring. When I went outside to water the plants this morning, I got distracted for quite a while, taking pictures of all sorts of things. Things are shaping up so nicely. I worked a lot outside last week, partly because the weather has been so beautiful, and partly because we moved our Sunday Woolly Mama meeting to outside, and it was my turn this week to host. I got all excited to set things up prettily on my deck, do some weeding and planting, etc., to make my space inviting. Things have a long way to go, yet I am starting to see the beginnings of paradise in my little plot of rented space outside the back door.I cleaned and set up my fountain on the table on the deck. My friend Christine gave it to me, and I really like it. It used to be indoors, but it has a bit of a noisy motor which annoyed Mystery Man, plus he's not crazy about the look of it, so I put it out in my back yard haven.I got the idea to put the shell full of glass pieces at the bottom to catch another tier of water. I am pleased with the effect.My friend Sonja gave me this plant when I visited her in the Oregon Coastal Range of mountains a few years back. I love when it starts to come to life again in the Spring, after dying off in the Winter. It always makes me think of her and smile. I love my friends. This too is on my deck.

I went a little crazy with the camera. I am trying to figure out some of the more complex settings. I had been using the 'auto' setting, but today I put it on manual to see what I could do. I managed to get two pretty different effects photographing this huge, magnificent weed flower that grew spontaneously and uninvited in one of my cold frames. I was tempted to pull it a few weeks ago when it just looked like some kind of unusual grass, but it was so pretty and exotic looking that I decided to leave it. Now that it is flowering, I am glad I did! I wish I knew what it was called. Anyway, I don't know how I did this one, but the photo turned out cool.
Speaking of weeds, there are far too many of these (below) growing around. They are taking over the world, I think. My friend told me she offered to pay her kids two cents per yellow dandelion flower they pulled, and they came in with over seven hundred all from her normal sized suburban yard in one day. Amazing. They are happy looking, and I think it made a beautiful picture.

My potatoes are coming up. Soon I will top them with more leaves and another cedar box. I will eventually grow the tasty tubers vertically in numerous stacked, open bottomed, cedar boxes. I used to do this in stacks of old tires in my old Eugene, Oregon gardening days. Cedar seems more organic.
I finally put my Gooseberry bush in the ground. I like the way it looks with the stripes of light coming through the fence. It was my present from Mystery Man. I have never had a gooseberry, so it should be interesting. The tag said it will grow to be five or six feet tall. Suprising, since it is such a little shrub right now.
A solitary speckled oak leaf lettuce seed from last summer seeded itself on the wrong side of the garden edge. I haven't planted any lettuce this year at all, and was wishing I had, so this little independent soul is welcome.
I planted several strawberry starts. It will be hard to wait until next year for berries. The lady at the Creekside Nursery said to pinch off all of the flowers this year and not let it produce fruit for a more abundant crop in seasons to come. Self control will be difficult, but I suspect it will pay off richly. I just hope we keep renting this place long enough to make it worth it. I can alway dig them up if I have to.
There is a huge patch of poppies in the Southeast corner of my yard, just getting ready to bloom into their bright orange glory. They were fabulous last year, so I look forward to watching the colors pop. They are very neat looking now, as the flowers form. I like the furry look that they have, and the way that the flowers-to-be bend in waiting.
Finally the chives have begun to bloom. They are tasty and beautiful. The kids like to pick and munch them when they are out playing. It gives them stinky breath. I am surprised that they like the spicy flavor.

This one has been in teething misery. Her second top front tooth is pushing and she is frankly unable to contain her irritation. No worries. I promptly removed the small, chokable object from her drooling mouth after taking the cute picture.

She is happy one minute,

and whiny and grouchy the next. Poor little Dr. Jeckle-

-trying to cope, and such sore gums. She has been clasping the fingers of both hands together and wacking her upper gums with the back of one hand and wrist. She talks at the same time and it sounds like "Adelad-alattle-ad-alattle". So pitiful. She bites me alot right now. Patience.
Her dear oldest brother has been so good to her. He is an absolutely wonderful help and she loves him dearly. So do I.

Mystery Man's mom brought over a great find from a garage sale. I am so excited. I don't know whether to use it for rabbits or convert it into a chicken house. I would be happy with either or both. I haven't been looking for something like this for a long time. She got for five bucks. Such a bargain driver, that woman. I love it!


This photo is not of our car (well it is, but that's not the point). Look closely. That is a wasp on the INSIDE of our window. Not a big deal, except that is the fourth one in the house in just a few days. They like to fly inside of shirts through the arm holes, and they fly at my head, too. Agressive and freaky.

I have been developing a nasty habit of blogging at midnight. I need to turn out the light. I think I will.

Moon Blood Red Mother Moon

I just returned from a beautiful gathering. It was a moon party for a young woman who just began her menstrual cycle. I have not had such a nice time at a party in a very long time. It was all women- a few teenagers, but only those who have begun to bleed, of course. There were about 20 of us, and two babies (mine and another). We all wore red for obvious reasons. The evening started with a really good pot-luck, and we were all adorned by the honoree with jewels on our third eye. We went into the ritual space, and sat in a circle. A bowl of beads was passed, and as we chose a bead to string on a cord, we each told a story about the beginning of our menstrual cycle, it's continuation, or about womanhood in general. We then drummed for quite a while. We sang "Oh mama" (an african song) and "Young Rider, Apple cheeked one", as that is her favorite song. We all pampered her, painting her toenails in red, massaging her shoulders, braiding her hair with red ribbons, decorating her hands, feet and ankles with henna tattoos, etc. We passed around a journal, into which we wrote advice and blessings for her to keep as a moon journal, and then passed plates of dessert. A round, moon-like cherry pie, chocolate covered strawberries, brownies, and the best thing-- cookies in the shape of yonis, with raspberry jam filled centers. Also we had delicious berry-honey mead and red wine. One of the labels of wine was "Bitch", perfect for a woman on the rag. Her father picked it out for the event, all though he was not allowed to attend. We all talked and laughed about bleeding, the pros and cons of pads, tampons, the wonderful diva cup, sitting and bleeding onto a towel in a moon lodge, etc. There was much discussion about condoms and birth control, fertility, the cycle, hormonal patterns and feelings of sensuality and increased intuition corresponding with the cycle, and other womanly subjects. It was all so intimate and sweet, full of laughter, celebration, good humor and reverence. What a healthy way to transition into womanhood with the love and support of your community. How amazing to have all of your questions answered openly without awkwardness or shame. How mature she seemed, being initiated into a roomful of women, and being recognized and praised as an adult and as a female full of potential, beauty, sexuality and mystery. I am excited to continue this tradition with my own daughter one day! I feel honored to have been invited, and lucky to be a part of such an amazing circle.yoni

Are you my Mother?

I used to read this book to my boys when they were smaller. It's about a little bird who hatches in the absence of it's mother and goes searching for her. As it walks along, it asks everything it runs into; animals, a car, a tractor, etc, "are you my mother?". They all reply, "No, I am not your mother, I am a________(whatever each thing is). I feel, after a non-relaxing and rather busy and exhausting Mother's Day weekend during which I did a lot of Mothering, a distinct commonality to this lost hatchling. A deep sense of questioning and longing- where is my mother?, and as an adult with overwhelming responsibility and as a mother who is in such demand, how may I find the care and nurture that one feels when under the wing of their Mother? In actuality, I know where my mother is physically located, (I spoke to her on the telephone last night) but on an emotional level, as well as on a practical day-to-day-I-need-help level, I cry out, "WHERE IS MY MOTHER"?

The day before Mother's Day was full, busy and very productive. We went to a children's clothing exchange in the morning, and found some nice things for my kids while getting rid of a bag of outgrown things that we were finished with. Clothing exchanges are the best. Lots of women in this town have them for us clothing crazed, adult females, and they are always insanely crowded and remind me of scavenger birds attacking for survival. It's not quite that bad- I am exagerating, but the one I went to last month was at a friend's house, and there were at least 30 women digging aggressively through many piles of clothes in every room of her house, and getting very excited about the treasures they were finding. I have a hard time in crowds since I have some sort of protective instinct over my baby and prefer calm, spacious and quieter situations. Of course I end up going anyway, because I am a woman, and I do love new clothes.
Anyway, this was the first children's exchange I have been to, and it was much mellower and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Son #2 picked out some funny items, which show his distinctive personality and style. Yellow crocs with one orange backstrap. High wasted suspender pants with a green and black, checkered pattern, etc.
Here he is, sweeping up leaves to add to our worm bin as bedding.
After the clothing swap, we went and bought a 5 gallon bucket full of red worms to put in our vermi-composting bin which we completed this weekend. This project has been going on for a long time, so I am proud to say that we now have worms as the newest pets in the family.
He worked so hard at filling the bin with leaves, after son #1 put in a lot of shredded newspaper that he soaked in water.
We used the big garbage can to tear the paper into and stirred it around with water from the hose, squeezed it out a little and added it to the bin. Then the paper and leaves got mixed together with our hands.
And finally, it was ready for the worms.
The two of them dumped the contents of the bucket into the bin, and spread it evenly through the three sections.
Camera shy, Son #1 who has been stealing and wearing all of my hoodies lately, succesfully ducked out of the picture once again.
Ha, I finally got one. This time I asked nicely, saying that I want to document that he was a part of this, and he showed me his sweet face. He is such a cute boy!

Baby was somewhat unhappy during this whole process. She was going through some hardcore teething (I found her first top tooth- the front left one, poking out of the gums that night. It is her third tooth, total.) She was also in need of a nap.

And here they are, crawling around in their new home, in a hurry to snuggle down in the bedding, away from the sunlight! Welcome wormies, we will feed you much garbage.

The boys had fun holding their new pets. I did, too.

On Friday, Mystery Man and his Mom brought me an early gift of garden starts, a Gooseberry bush and a nice cactus. This is the first gift he has ever given me in all of the time I have known him. He is somewhat philosophically against gift giving, I think. It is pretty special, because it is such a rare thing. If I ever move, I will have to dig up the berry bush and move it with me. I couldn't bear to leave it behind. As for the cactus, which he picked out carefully for me, I will put it in a pot which will be very moveable!

Mother's Day morning I got up at 7AM and made a big brunch for Mystery Man's Mom, which we brought to their house later that morning and ate with them. We took a walk around their neighborhood in the afternoon and stopped by Fossil Creek garden center. I found some woolly creeping thyme, which I planted in my perennial garden today. I love it. I think it will be beautiful when it spreads. It reminds me a little of moss, but it needs less watering and can live in Colorado. I will take a picture of the perennial bed, when I finish weeding and planting. It still needs a lot of work. I am planning to put in some strawberries starts that we bought the other day, too. Son #1 gave me a gift certificate worth him cooking me two weekend breakfasts whenever I choose. I look forward to using it!
Later on Mother's Day when I was out weeding the garden with the kids, my friend Suzanne stopped by (I mentioned her in another recent post- she is pregnant and we have only recently gotten to know each other) and brought me a tomato plant and some chocolates with a beautiful Mother's Day card full of touching words. I was so surprised. What an incredibly loving gesture. We are becoming good friends and I am thrilled about it.

Saw a beautiful Iris about to bloom on my walk today. So pretty.