air moves us, FIRE transforms us

Anyone who has known us for any length of time, knows that my relationship is, how to put it?- Dynamic. This said, it has been a weekend of fire. I call it a weekend, but really I mean the two days that Mystery Man had off of work, which in this case were Sunday and Monday. Sunday was sparky fire- clashing, moodiness, just general moods colliding. It died down a bit mid-day, and ended with glowing coals that threatened to catch flame again easily. Monday started out mellow, but those coals were still glowing. Mid-day they flared and went nuts for a while. Somehow, we got ourselves out of the house, up the Poudre Canyon (my favorite place in this area) and on a hike at Grey Rock. We had a short, calm and wonderful hike, drove home in peace, and decided to grill out for dinner. Everyone had their "meat" of choice, which is quite a selection with the greatly varied dietary tastes and restrictions in our family. Son #1- strictly meatless, so he had a few veggie burgers. Son #2, big appetite, and anything that tastes like meat, so he had buffulo dogs, a veggie burger and a piece of salmon. Me- salmon. Mystery Man- many buffulo dogs,
followed by crackers, brie and a beer.

Baby- milk, milk, milk. We then built an actual fire in our backyard. MMMmm, warmth and relaxation. What a lovely end to a dramatic few days.

fire continued..., and cough cough

I tried to put baby to bed and sneak back out to the fire, but she is too savvy and woke just in time to get taken back out there with me.

Yep, that's my boob. I am a proud lactivist. I like to think it is nursing that puts the rose in her sweet cheeks.



Geez, Dad. That flash was a little much- kind of killed the sleepy, fireside mood.

O.M.G. I can't believe another illness has found it's way into our home. When will it all end? My dear son #2 is coughing incessantly as I sit here and type this. He will not be going to school in the morning. There is no possible way that he is getting any kind of quality sleep with all of the hacking and moaning I hear coming from his bed. I deeply regret sending him to school and to tumbling class today, as I think he has gotten worse since this evening.
He stayed home Monday, read all day, and played labrynth in bed.

I thought he was better enough to go back. I was wrong.
Please, I beg for all family wellness, and for these present germs to attack no further.

eating again-(wasn't sure I would or could) and all that happened while I wasn't

It has been a hell of a few weeks. We got sick. Not all of us, but most. Thankfully baby and son #1 were miraculously spared. The other three of us had all sorts of nastiness emitting from every possible orifice- I will say no more. I am somewhat surprised that I like food again. The lack of appetite lasted so long, that I thought it might be permanent. I was a little enticed by the idea of painless calorie reduction just in time for summer scanty clothing. But, I will say that liking food is more enjoyable than fasting.
So what was new is now old, but I will still try to document since I uploaded pics for this post many days ago and never got further.

First I will talk about this here picture of garbage in my yard. That is the edge of my yard that borders the driveway of the nonexistent neighbor who hasn't had a roof in months and has been slowly working on her house for years with no apparent progress. The place looks condemned, yet people show up every once and a while and do ??????????, fill up the monstrous dumpster a little more, and leave for a long time. Anyway, I am way off subject. Oh yeah, the garbage. I would appreciate the garbage workers if they made the garbage disappear, but what it appears that they actually do is sloppily lift the cans and dump 98% of it in their truck, leaving the other 2% to the whims of the wind. The end result is a whole lot of mess stuck in my bushes. Ugh. It happens every Thursday. The garbage trucks come and make a lot of noise, while polluting the air on my street with their smelly diesel trucks. Then, I look outside and find garbage all over my yard. Annoying.

I must take a few minutes and pay tribute to my poor, poor Avalon. Man, have I drawn this out. Back in December some probably drunk, clearly irresponsible and selfish, nameless and faceless person who I feel immense resentment toward maimed my vehicle. I did not see or hear it happen. I woke in the morning, looked out the window, and found mystery man's car smooshed into mine, both totalled and un-driveable. Mystery man sold his within a few weeks for far too little cash, as it was only good for parts. I, on the other hand, held onto mine, feeling attached to it since it was a gift from Dad and Jenny, and since I had grown so fond of it. I got an estimate for it's repair, and kept imagining that I could save up the $1500 to make it go again, even though it would still retain severe cosmetic scars at that price. Then, I finally faced reality and decided that I may never have enough money to save it, and should just let it go. So I posted it on craigslist for $750.00. I got no response. I tried this for weeks. Still nothing. I got a notice in the mail that the tags were soon to expire, and thought, "okay, I've got to rid of this thing before I get a ticket for expired tags". You see, we have no driveway or garage, and the city cracks down on stuff like that on the street. Finally I placed another ad that just said "make offer". I got about 20 responses within an hour. No one wanted to pay more than $500. I talked one guy up another fifty bucks. He was weird, pushy, bossy, dressed and sounded like Ali G.(mystery man noticed the uncanny likeness), and treated me like a lesser female. My stomach felt wrong after that transaction. I hate the thought of that creepy guy driving my car. I wonder what he thought of my bumper stickers? I doubt he even understood them. I still feel so violated by the whole car situation from the start when it was hit and left, to the end when it was towed away by the Ali G-wanna-be. I can't believe I went from a great, working, comfortable vehicle to a measly $550.00 and some remaining glass shards on the street. Ouch. It hurts. Goodbye Toyota Avalon.

The plum blossoms have quickly come and are already almost all transformed into leaves on the trees in my backyard. They are so, incredibly beautiful! There have been hundreds of bees pollinating them. When I stand next to them, I hear loud, continuous buzzing because there are so many! I tried to capture those lovely bees on camera.

Mystery man's brother lives in Connecticut now. His Birthday was last week, and I wanted to email a picture of baby to him with a Birthday message. This was how brightly she smiled when I said,"Say Happy Birthday, Uncle!". She is so much fun these days.

What else have we been up to since I last blogged...? Well, I had my last session of Lilac Moon Preschool on Thursday (sweet relief), and it was a lovely day of a child's birthday celebration and puppet show attended by all the parents and even a grandfather and lots of outdoor play since it was gorgeous and warm outside. The children enjoyed helping to water our recently planted garden beds, and they planted seeds for jack-o-'lantern pumpkins in peat pots. We stuck the peat pots inside plastic juice bottles (used to be full of Knudsen Recharge) with the tops cut off, watered the heck out of them, and covered the tops with plastic wrap. The kids took them home with much excitement, telling their parents all about how the bottles would work as a greenhouse if they put them in a sunny window. The birthday boy kept watching his, expecting it to grow before his very eyes. He was dismayed when he learned that he would have to care for it all summer long, transfer it into the ground, and water it often in order to see pumpkins in the Autumn. They are so cute- I will miss them. I will never forget my favorite thing that the same above-mentioned child said one day:
He was noticing a colored jar full of water and rooting plants which were hanging in my window, and the conversation went like this:

him: "what is that- a big bug?"
me: "it's a spider plant baby"
him: (very concerned) "then it should be with it's mother!!!"


On Saturday morning, baby and I drove down to Denver for a Waldorf Kindergarten Teachers' study group with Nancy Blanning. The woman is a genius. She is also kind, gentle, wise, funny and wonderful. I can't get enough of her talks. I consider her to be my guru in the world of Waldorf Education. I am lucky to have her nearby and accessible in Denver. She contributed to a book that I just got and am really looking forward to reading. It is called 'Your Not The Boss Of Me', and addresses the 6-7 year age transition, and first grade readiness. It looks like it will be a very worthwhile read.

Later Saturday evening all three kids and I attended chant circle where I sang my guts out. So, very satisfying and gratifying. The drummers were so great, it really added a lot to the songs! I was really in the groove.

Yemaya of the ocean,
Yemaya of the sea,
Oh Yemaya
Yemaya---- ,Oh Yemaya.
Yemaya of deep waters,
Yemaya of all tears.
Oh Yemaya
Yemaya----, Oh Yemaya.

It is almost one in the morning. I really needed to blog. I might regret this when baby wakes me in the morning. Sometimes I just must get it all on the page. Goodnight moon.

Sit up!

Saturday was amazing! The weather was warm and beautiful, and the kids and I spent most of the day outside. I worked on some seed starts in little pots, then, we planted some sweet peas and kohlrabi seeds in the garden, dug walking paths and did some mulching. We dumpster dove next door where our neighbor's house is being redone. The kids climbed into the huge (I mean monstrous-taking up the entire driveway) dumpster and lowered stuff down to me. I had been eyeing the wood for a while, as I am collecting free supplies as I find them, to eventually build a chicken coop. As they dug deeper, they found unopened packages of peat pots, ceramic plant pots, mason jars (excellent for storing bulk foods) and a nice bucket. While we were outside, baby sat up on her own for the first time and stayed up, balancing for at least a minute! This is so exciting!

What a different world for her now, to be able to sit and not always lay. I am excited, because I think she will be much more content with this new skill.
Son number one made dinner- sesame noodles with ginger which went perfectly with some peanut satay sauce that I had made and frozen a few weeks ago. I made more leftover won tons as a side dish. The boys lit candles and we had such a delicious dinner with laughter galore.

After dinner son number one tried out baby's new highchair which we got from a freecycler (thank you!) (I love freecycling) and amazingly fit into it. The wooden chair we had for baby is very beautiful though uncomfortable, so we have given into plastic and metal with a leatherette seat. She loves it, and sits happily. She makes a new sound now. It sounds something like pththbb--- and comes with spitting. It is funny.

After dinner baby sat on the floor some more- For two or more minutes this time! Boy is she getting good! She loves the play silks, lately.

Son number two who is almost always goofy unless he is just being sweet needed to steal the camera's attention, too.Uh... What is he doing? He's going to make me lose my balance.

Taking a LONG Break,, nuts, peppers, and... The better to bite you with my dear

What a relief. I have been able to speak to the folks that I emailed last week, and everyone has been understanding and supportive. I am so thankful that the parents of the children in my preschool have become friends and that we mutually care about each other. They say you shouldn't mix business with relationships, and yet, if I have my heart in my work, and I love what I do and do it in integrity, then of course I will form friendships out of it. That is just the nature of doing what one loves. It turns out that right now, what I love most is being a mother, and that calling is all consuming, leaving no room for other business. I think it is a beautiful thing, really. So here is the news- the letter of resignation that I was so nervous to send (with all names hidden for privacy of course):

It is hard for me to write this letter to you, because I feel such great responsibility toward your children and so honored to be able to care for them. It is my sincere desire for them to have a positive experience of consistent, relationship-based preschool. I am sad and sorry to tell you that I will be closing the Lilac Moon PreSchool at the end of April for a temporary, but unknown and extended period of time. I feel that this is necessary so that I may be completely dedicated to my baby daughter. I had high hopes when I began teaching again in December, that [baby] would grow accustomed to the routine of sharing her mother with older playmates a few times each week. While she cries less than she used to, it is still more than I like, and I feel a nagging sense that she needs for me to be more sensitive to her and available for her, with less divided attention. She is often very unhappy during preschool time, and her napping and feeding routines become very disturbed. In all of my effort to provide children with predictable, healthy and safe daily and weekly rhythms and rituals, I have not been respecting my own child's needs by allowing her to follow her natural rhythms. Being disconnected in this way from [baby] by my effort to be professional, make ends meet financially, and put my heart and soul into the quality of my student's care has caused me stress and motherly guilt. After much discussion with [Mystery Man], and weeks of mulling over how to balance my responsibilities to preschool families with my responsibilities to my own children, I have come to this decision. With some material sacrifices, we have calculated that we will be able to make do without my income for a while. I urge all of you to find other preschool programs that are more ready for your precious children at this time. Although I do not know when [baby] and I will be ready again, I suspect that it will be closer to her 2'nd birthday, when she will be more able to participate as a preschool student herself. She will then be able to interact with the other children as peers. Again, I am so sorry for all of the disruption that this may cause in you and your children's lives. I thank you deeply for your friendship and for trusting me and enrolling your children with me.

Sincerely,


me

And to completely change topics- I must introduce my favorite recently found domestic product.
The best laundry soap I have ever used. Really, I mean it! This stuff gets my clothes so clean and bright, and smelling fresh, and I never have to recycle an empty plastic bottle that was created using valuable resources and scarce petroleum when it's empty. Too bad I don't live in India where I can pick the soap nuts off of trees and use them for free without some trucker taking them across the world in a box for me. But, I love them and think it is fun to do laundry, now. They come with a little cloth bag to use over and over, and the nuts go inside and into the washing machine. Add water, agitate, and they get all sudsy. I use them for more than one load, and they are still soapy, so they last me a long time. Completely natural and unprocessed. Isn't Mama Gaia amazing? Who knew that soap comes pre-made without human invention?! Lucky me, that I live with someone who orders groceries at the local co-op, so he'll carry just about anything that I ask for on the shelf in his department. For those who do not find them at the store, they are available for direct order from the company on-line.
They come with a pair of soap nut earrings that I really like, too, as an added bonus.

As I have mentioned in a prior post, I think, my garden last year seemed to be slow to take off. Some starts took so long, that they were just getting to a transplantable size around the time that it was turning to Autumn. I brought the bell pepper starts indoors to my sunny, utility room window, and was thrilled that they lived all winter. They got infested with white fly, and I researched how to get rid of them. All Internet sources said it's impossible without chemicals, but I didn't believe them. I tried strong, natural detergent from a Fort Collins local company called Queen of the Meadow(I use it in a spray bottle for kitchen table and counter top cleaning), and they are vacating! I have to reapply it often, but it seems to be working. And now----Ta-Da!
---the plant is growing a little bell pepper! I can't wait to see if it will thrive inside until June, when I can harden it off to transplant it outside. Maybe early peppers this year :) .

Here is my final news and subject change.

Baby's got teeth!

Tooth #1 showed up during 6AM screaming while in Georgia about three weeks ago. After much discomfort, mournful crying and inability to nap worth a darn both yesterday and the day before, we have a second tooth.



I am not sure how well it can be seen in photos, since it is just barely out of the gums, but it is there.








The other day she took a bite out of a piece of plum, right through the skin and everything. Amazing.

Soup and Dirt

Oh god it's raining, and I'm not complaining.
It's filling me up with delight!
The stars in the sky, bring tears to my eyes.
Their lighting my way, tonight...
and I haven't felt so alive in years.
The moon is shining in the sky,
reminding me of so many other nights...
but not like tonight.

Depeche Mode from my high school years- from memory, so there is no guarantee that I got the lyrics right. Yes, I still like all of that old stuff from my youth. I can't believe that I finally got my desperately coveted rain. Painful delayed gratification is so satisfying when fulfilled. It has been pouring for hours. The sound is soothing and musical. Everything outside is shining. The air is fresh. The dirt looks moist and rich. The leaves are bright and clean. Ahhhh... Lovely deep breath sigh.

Those little spots on the camera lens are rain. Kind of dark picture taken at just before dusk on this rainy evening. I finally started my garden. I am totally inspired now! Mystery man's mom helped me get dirt and compost with her truck, and wheel barrel it into the new bed that I created in a sunny part of my back yard. There was enough extra compost to put some on the old bed from last year which I turned over and prepared for planting several days ago. Also, I got two hay bales for mulch.

The tall sticking up things are last year's sunflowers. Can't believe those stalks made it through the crazy, windy winter!

Mulching is something that I failed to do last year and it seems really important for healthy soil, plants and water conservation. Also, I just found out that there is a pile of free mulch at the recycling center on Riverside St. (which is nowhere near the river, ironically). So, I can go fill garbage bags whenever I want for a super, mulchalicious garden!

Additionally, I bought peat pots, seed trays with greenhouse lids, rich organic potting soil, seeds, and the plant grow light that I know will help my starts be more successful this year than last. I would say that I am good to go. Now I just need baby to take a good, long nap on a day that is good weather for planting, and I will be in the dirt.
I love dirt.

Last night I made wonton soup. It was so much fun to shape those delicate little wonton wrappers full of delicious seitan and broccoli, spiced with dijon mustard, Sriracha sauce and more.

Here they are after I boiled them for a few minutes.
They get kind of translucent and shiny.

I got the recipe from the veganyumyum.com websight. Check it out, and you will find many fabulous recipes. I am not vegan, so I added chicken broth to my second batch of soup, and it improved the taste in my opinion. I also added to the broth, celery, carrots, mushrooms, jalapeno, black pepper, sechuan pepper and peri-peri pepper blend. We like things rich and spicy around here.
Then I tried some of the fried variety. Much easier folding, and a simple filling of cream cheese and fire roasted, chopped green chili (from New Mexico of course because noone else can grow 'em good like they can).
Oh my - I could have eaten all twelve, but I was nice and gave mystery man his half. They were all melty and crispy and amazing. Wish I had made a good sauce for them, but they were a last minute expiriment and very good all by their lonesome selves. Well, they were beside some jasmine rice, so they weren't too lonely. Plus, they didn't even have time to think about loneliness, because they were munched!

Mm...mmmm...MMM!

What I did for love

I am so nervous right now, and sad a little, too. I just did something to stop a ball from rolling that was picking up speed and running over me and my baby. It was hard to do, because I loved the ball. I was attached to it and personally invested in it. I kind of had to wipe out the ball for a while, and all of the dust and treasures it picked up along the way. But the thing is, it was getting bigger and I couldn't hold it anymore. I am hoping I did the right thing, before I dropped the ball completely. I will pick it up again some day, I think. I got things rolling too soon. I couldn't have known until I tried it, and yet I feel bad for trying it at all and messing with people. I hope noone gets mad or hurt. I feel like a little kid, waiting for people to find out that I screwed up a little. I wanted to make everyone happy. I am speaking all hypothetically and non-specifically, because I just sent an email out that will change things, and until it gets read by it's recipients, I'd best not share with the world.

Anyway, I did it for her (and me), but mostly for her.

My love.















Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow,
Wish me luck, the same to you,
But I can't forget
What I did for love---
Look my eyes are dry,
The gift was ours to borrow.
I did what I had to do,
And I can't regret
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we carry on,
Love's what we'll remember.

That song has always been deep for me-
Weird how I can make it about this.

On a positive note...

I didn't take this picture. I wish I could have seen it in nature with my very own eyes. It is from a web sight, but I just had to share it. I think it is so beautiful. What a pretty chrysalis, and what a neat place for it to be hanging. I just had to post something positive and pleasant, because, looking back, I realized that I started yesterday's post on a very unpleasant note. I wouldn't want to be responsible for making anyone's day worse, and I know that negativity spreads. So, even though I still feel far less than healthy, I will say that it is Friday, and I never work on Friday, so I don't have to feel bad about taking a sick day. Plus, it is warm, sunny and beautifully Spring outside. The boys left to go to their Dad's house for a week, this AM, and even though it is sad to say goodbye, I know that this week will have less big meals to prepare, less dirty dishes, less muddy footprints and general household clutter, and more quiet rest-time for poor, sickly me. May all be well and take much fresh air deep into open nostrils and lungs!

Sniff

I am sitting here typing and sniffling. I feel like sh__. I had to call of the Lilac Moon Pre-School for the past two days due to my current ill health. I hate being an unreliable teacher. When I worked for an institution, I was able to stay home and call in a sub for my classroom. Now, my home is my classroom. I like this arrangement much better, except when I or my children get sick. What can I do? I must take care of myself, before I can take care of others. Except, I am a mother, so I will rephrase that. I must take care of mine, while attempting to take care of myself, before I can take care of others. Thankfully I have been able to nap a bit today, and hang out in bed, drinking tea.
It has continued to snow. No rain to fulfill my recent request, but a lot more snow. It does melt away right away though, which is nice, because then it doesn't get that dirty snow look that I dislike. I shouldn't complain. It is kind of cozy on a stay-home sick day, like today. I took a picture of it the day before yesterday out my back door when I woke up. It does look lovely in my back yard.

I am making wool diaper soakers for baby. I am so proud. It is the first time I have ever followed a crochet pattern. Prior to this, I was exclusively an intuitive stitcher (Increase a little here, decrease here, yes, that looks about right). I was suprisingly successful wiht that method, but it is so cool to be learning to read and follow patterns. It opens the possibilities further. Of course I didn't follow it completely. I can't help using my intuition to some degree with all that I do. The pattern that i used as a guide is here. Thank you to the lady who figured out how to do it, and posted it for my use!

"I am a model, you know what I mean, and I spend all my time on the cat walk" (or however that song goes)


She is destined to be an underwear model, don't ya think?

Anyway, this here, first diaper soaker of mine (actually the second, since the first was less perfect and too small, so I gave it to a pregnant friend) actually works. I have tried a bazillion kinds over her 7 month existence and most leak or the snaps rip out, or the velcro gets messed up, or if they were any good, she has grown out of them by now. So far this one is awesome, and I can't wait to make more out of even better wool that has more lanolin content for wet-proofness. I found some called Fisherman's wool by Lion brand that will be perfect.